I found myself recently visiting the construction site of our current stadium expansion. The construction is being undertaken by the Brasfield & Gorrie company, based out of Birmingham. While talking with some of the crew, it was mentioned that there was some Auburn contingent amongst the workers. This seemed harmless enough, and is common for any place of business in this state. However, it was the phone conversation that I overheard while in an office that prompted this post.

I had been left alone momentarily when a gentleman entered while talking to a friend on his phone. He seemed to be paying me no mind, and starting talking about cursing the stadium. How? By laying a picture of Tommy Tuberville into the concrete of the to-be completed southern expansion. Sadly, no specific locations or dates for the burial were given. I had just wrapped up my business and proceeded for the exit thinking, “You just told the wrong dude about this. I write an Alabama blog, asshole!”

I am not a superstitious man. To me, this only represents the idiotic and desperate measures to which Auburn fans have been driven to by their recent mediocrity. But not all bama fans feel this way. Superstitions and fandom go hand in hand for most people; be it a lucky shirt, favorite seat, chants or what-have-you. Now that I think of it, most fans that I know have some form superstition. Is it that far of a leap to also believe in a curse? It is not for me to decide. I was only privy to the information and I’ll leave it for the bama faithful to make the next move. This post may not make the slightest ripple, with people saying that this curse isn’t worth the 8×10″ glossy photo it’s based on. But if history is any indication, fans may take this issue to heart. During the construction of the new Yankee Stadium, it leaked that some contractors/Red Sox fans had buried an Ortiz jersey in the stands. Fans and Yankee staff were upset by the stunt enough to jackhammer the jersey out of its hiding spot.

Fucking Alabama
Its that time of the year folks, when we square up against our little sister for bragging rights within the beautiful, ignorant wasteland that is Sweet Home Alabama. Its been so long since I’ve had bragging rights, I don’t remember what they look like. Phil Fulmer has probably peeked over his portable indian mound and glanced at his flaccid pink gobbler more recently than us bammers have had proper statewide shit-talking rights.

Why We’re Fucked
We’ve lost 6 in a row and have yet to get a “W” in a Tuscaloosa Iron Bowl. Auburn’s defense is good enough to keep the game just one Coffee-fumble, Parker-pick, or Arenas-Muff away from an upset. The Tigers have looked very good in the first half of most of their games, you’d think if they were going to put together a complete game, it would be against the hated Crimson Tide. Let’s not play this up too much, though. Every game since the 3-2 Miss State turd fest has been a must-win for the barn, and their performance in pressure enviorments has been as impressive as the bulge in Verne Troy’s pants.

Why They are Fucked
The homer-est of the bitter piss-filled, endangered species eagle-hunting, Pat Dye-stalking Alabama homers couldn’t have scripted a worse season for the Tigers. With a QB disaster, second half collapses, an incoherent offense, the Franklin debacle, and Tuberville rumors, Auburn is primed for only more embarrassment by way of a Bama beatdown and no bowl eligibility. The 2:30 kick-off is the perfect time for what will be a bourbon-fueled, raucous home crowd. Any earlier and the mass hangover would be a factor; any later and the owners of empty seats would be found drunkenly splayed out under Denny Chimes, wondering when the Jumbo Tron would be rolled onto the quad.

Tailgating Before the Game
There have been some special burgers prepared in T-town for barners coming in for the game that I whole heartedly recommend our fans to check out, you can take a look at this unique sandwich here.

Happy Fucking Thanksgiving From Tower of Bammer
Thank you for reading tower of bammer my brothers and sisters, now go kick grandma in the nuts for us.

Will Bammer beat the Booger Eaters?

This week Bammer returns to the field after a much needed off week. We’re 11-0 (I’m 13-0 in Yi Jing predictions this year, btw and fyi) and now we get to face our most hated opponent: them Booger Eaters on the Plains, who have provided us with a near constant supply of schadenfreude this season. So, I ask the Yi, Can we end this six game streak of theirs?

The Yi answered with hexagram # 55 Feng, or Abundance. (The ideogram is [container filled with mountainous abundance].)

The Image:
Both thunder and lightning come:
The image of ABUNDANCE.
Thus the superior man decides lawsuits
And carries out punishments.

The hexagram is the trigram Zhen (thunder, motion) over the trigram Li (fire, awareness) so this is how we get the image of thunder and lightning. My favorite translator of the Yi says, “Thunder from Zhen represents majesty and lightning from Li represents sagacity.” Thus, here, we have the image of our Sage-King Saban not just creating and laying down the foundation for principles and rules imposed by his virtuous authority, but carrying them out: justly, Sage-King Saban punishes the offensive Tigers. Hopefully, the punishment will include lopping off six booger-covered fingers.

The Judgment:
ABUNDANCE brings success.
The king attains abundance.
Do not be worried.
You should be like the sun at midday.

Abundance can lead to over-abundance in the blink of an eye. And extremes retrograde quickly. But we are told not to worry about that here. We shouldn’t worry because our Sage-King Saban has acquired the abundance, and we can trust in his virtuosity to handle this bestowal with appropriateness. We need to reflect (on) these qualities of virtue possessed by our Sage-King, and thus “shine like the noon sun.” The sun at it’s zenith, for a moment eternal, the continuum carrying toward setting comes another day. Here we shine. Abundance brings success for Bammer.

Nine at the beginning:
When a man meets his destined ruler,
Although they are of the same kind,
There will be no error.
Going meets with recognition.

This line describes a meeting of equals. (Technically, it describes the relationship between lines 1 and 4 in the hexagram. Both are Yang, so they are equals and assumed to be unable to join harmoniously.) They are equal, but one is recognized as the superior here. The superior one, of course, is the Sage-King mentioned above. So, here is described the meeting between Tuberville and Saban. It is a meeting of equals (i.e. they are both head coaches,) yet the lesser one (the visiting one, the one “going”) is told to recognize the superiority of the “destined ruler” (our Saban.) The commentary on this line even goes so far as to warn the lesser equal that “it will be perilous if he tries to outshine his partner.

In summary, Tuberville comes to town and recognizes his superior, Saban.

Sixth in the fifth place:
His notable partner is come.
To welcome him with honor and praise is auspicious.

Let’s take this line to represent Saban. It’s in the right spot; the fifth line has represented the leader of the team in every predicition so far. Here, Saban is told that it would bring good fortune to respond (from his superior position) to his lesser equal with humiltiy and grace. The two words used here in the text are qing (congratulate) [go and offer heartfelt gift of deerskin] and yu (honor, reputation) [words given, as a hand would give]. So, this line is telling us that it would be good for Saban to congratulate his lesser equal guest with warm praise for his reputation (previous six wins). I assume that there will be some of this praise for Tuberville and Co. in Saban’s post-victory press conference, as there have been plenty of displays of humility and recognition by Saban already this year.

So, in summary: Don’t worry. Saban is the superior here. Bammer has success. I don’t see the Booger Eaters scoring very much at all.

Clemson Threw Coach Tommy Bowden under the Bus this morning, a few days after he loses to Wake Forest and threw his QB under the bus. Later, QB Cullen Harper, after making a big purchase at Whole Food’s unpleasant grape section, says “It’s what he deserved.” So, who is next up for an extra large order of bus enchiladas.. one of our struggling rivals maybe?

Philip Fulmer – Third Saturday in Blogtober has been looking for a replacement for the Great Pumpkin since September, but it will doubtfully be as easy as fooling him with a “Free Bustache Rides” sign. With his slightly shiny resume and just being a year removed from an SEC west crown, I think he’ll be around a little longer. They’ll probably keep him around just for being so hated in Alabama that he incites lawsuits. Axing Fulmer and his staff could cost the University $9.55 Million, to translate that for you Tennessee dudes, that could buy over a half million of those fuckin weird hats (unless you insist on actual animal fur).

Tommy Tuberville - After losing to hapless squad of Petrino Hogs, the Aubs are in disarray, and many bammers are rejoicing at their trials and tribulations. Me, I’m just glad their providing a solid target for Paul Finebaum and his restless natives to throw poison darts at. I’m sure the Auburn board of Trustees is in a black helicopter hovering over Will Muschamp’s house right now, but I’d still be shocked if they ran General Augustus Tubervilius off this year. Still, we all drink from the same water system generously fortified with the impatience and high expectations that sent Mike Shula back to the steak house less than 12 months after a top 10 finish in the polls. It should also be noted that Tuberville’s contract features a $6 million buyout, which would buy you 1.7 million of those trunk tails (which recently had their price SLASHED 60 CENTS). And i think these buyouts might make a bigger difference as retirement plans dive bomb and athletic boosters’ sphincter holes seal up airtight.

Tubervillains have been calling for his head for weeks. now its official, Tony Franklinstein is out at Auburn. Smells like a goat to me, partly because they we’ren’t event running his offense. The bright side is, now that special guest is available to put your Halloween party over the top, I hear he has a mean apple bobbing system and is amazingly accurate flicking candy corns across the room with his tongue.

Like the 2004 Tsunami?
Just yesteday the chief Tubervillain himself said, “Why don’t you go back to doing what you did?’ Well, if you do that, then you are asking for major disaster”, so we can only assume that the firing of a major coach in the middle of the season qualifies itself as only a minor disaster.

Also:
Well thats cool linked a visiting fan who had a great time in T-town in the last game

“Please Coach Tuberville, you still have a chance to to take advantage of our great defense and have a great season, but you must come to your senses and change our vapid offensive to a more traditional Auburn offense. Tell Tony, we tried it but it doesn’t work and we aren’t going to throw away our season to prove a point that already has been proven.”

“This offensive system will not work in the SEC”

“FIRE TONY FRANKLIN!!! He promised but can not fulfil his promises.”

“the Tony Franklin offense that we thought was going to be explosive and unstoppable has done little more than set Auburn’s program back tremendously. Not only is the season in jeopardy, but all of the recruits that have committed will never want to come and play for such a Mickey Mouse high school offense.”

“Franklin has got to go……and he should take Todd with him!”

“Tony Franklin needs to brush his hair and get the hell out of town, or get the hell out of town and then brush his hair. Either order is fine.”

“Franklin’s Chinese Firedrill Offense should be scrapped, not just “tweaked”. I have never seen a more inept AU offense.”

“This situation just went from serious to critical. If Tommy doesn’t swallow some pride and back up completely on this Chris Todd decision, then this team could very well flame like the Hindenburg.”

“Fire Tubberville and Franklin. Make Rhodes the head coach. If anyone has a problem with my post, I will be easy to find. I will probably be the only Auburn fan with a paper bag over my head in section 34 during the LSU game.”

“We are opening up the playbook people. It is not working. You all are starting to sound like bama fans, making excuses for everything. We are not a top ten team, or even a top 20 team right now. Changes need to be made now, because the time we need to make them runs out this Saturday.”

“If Auburn doesnt straighten out we will soon be battling MSU to stay out of the cellar in the west. This is a nightmare.”

“If I hear a win is a win quote again from Tubbs I am going to vomit on my Pat Dye commemerative plate”

“You call youself Auburn fans – Some of you people make sick.”

That last one’s great. They’re turning on each other now. Of course, this all means nothing. Auburn is 3-0 and has thier first SEC win. The defense is fucking stout and I don’t think they’ll have to score many points to win, anyway. Apparently the 3-2 game was embarrassing enough for AP voters to jump Alabama ahead of them this week.