So at first I thought these hijackers was some Canadians who’d been rolling around in the dirt, but then I saw the mud covered Ford F-150 with customized Montgomery county Mississippi plates that said “CLUNKCLUNKCLUNKCLUNK” and I immediately recognized it as a dangerous Mississippi Mud-person cypher of some sort, these toe-fingered bastards were far from home, reverting into some sort of survival instinct. They left without incident, but the old lady’s portable massage device lay still and dark and still for many years.

So yeah, to hell with them cowbell swinging dick lickers! I’m half a mind to drive down to that little hamlet of Starkville, eat a mess of boiled asparagus, and unload a few quarts of weird stinky piss all over the place.

An F-Bomb from my Death Bed
Yours Truly has been sick as shit lately with an acute case of Alabama Snotty Rockin Mountain Fever. I was comatose through the LSU game and I frequently awoke from fever dreams in the 3rd quarter relieved to see that Marquis Maze had not, in fact, had both his legs broke and his large intestine sucked out by Brandon Taylor. Here is a quick F-Bomb preview for all you people that bitch at TJ every weekend.

Oh Yeah, and Fuck the Starkvillains
When I’m not coughing up turtles made of pudding, I’m fucking wanting to KICK THE SHIT out of Mississippi State. In fact, I’m wanting to kick the dick of everyone that doesn’t want to kick the shit out of Mississippi State. I hate their Cowbells. I hate how I get all nervous about how many P’s and I’s I’ve used when I’m spelling Mississippi. God Dammit I’ve done it again. Fuck off. At least Ole Miss lets me leave off half the fucking state’s name.

The Croom Era No more
Dan’s Mullet* has the Starkvillains competing at a very high level, despite the fact the team practices and lives in fucking Starkville. He was supposed to replace Croom’s ill-fitted west coast offense** with the SPREAD, where they were going to be passing the ball up and fucking down highway 82, from the dumpsters of Columbus all the way down to the grape juice stained pews of Winona Baptist Church…

…Instead, Dan just bough a shitload of Apple Bacon Grease Butter spread and fed it to Anthony Dixon and stuck him in some paleolithic I-formation and told him to bust some faces and pistol whip some old people. There is no “I” in team boys, but there is an “Ate” in State. Some would call that summoning your inner Jackie Sherrill.

Why We Are Fucked
I’ll never forget the 2006 State game, which lingers like a blue jean crotch gasoline spill, when a 7-loss Bulldog squad comes to town and keeps the Tide offense out of the endzone, starting a 4 game November of failure. I also broke a tooth that weekend while eating barbeque and ended up with an infected gash in my hand. If we make Tyson Lee look like some second coming of Dan Marino I’m going to take out my brains and bake them in the fucking oven.

Why They Are Fucked
I think Alabama makes the lazy trip down Hwy 82 with title hopes in mind and the offense continues its uptrend. Our favorite QB Ginger McIncompletion looks like he could be on his way back to being Ginger McQuickStrike. And wildcat formation plays keep getting weirder and weirder, with some weird reverse pass, 4th down conversion, and a fake bad snap (that looked scarily like a real bad snap) during the LSU game.

The Fucking Conclusion
Tide fans like me need a rest for their weary hearts. With two heart-attack games in a row, we are ready to let the our butter-clogged arteries moved at a more syrup-like pace while we watch the other team down the road get annihilated. I cant take any more last second heroics. Any more Gary Danielson replay histronics. I want to see the Maroon team punting. I want to see Terrence Cody kidnap a MSU sorority girl and climb to the top of David Wade stadium as crop dusters attempt to spray him off.

*How the fuck can I make fun of Dan Mullen, he has yet to build the body of work that begs for balls-out fan scorn, ok put a billy ray cyrus hair-do on him

**Croom’s system, an oddity of sorts, was neither located on the west coast, nor an offense

Will Bammer beat Miss Bulldog?

I think the Yi is mad at me. This whole week I have been bombarded by requests from friends (and some that were more strangers than friends) to divine answers to their own vexing concerns. So, I think the Yi is feeling slightly misused. I think I need to implement a new policy: no divination on demand. The Yi answered this week’s Bammer question with the following:

Hexagram # 4 Meng, or Ignorance.

The ideogram is [multiple sprouts that cover or obscure a trapped boar]. See how they get ‘Ignorance’ out of this? Yeah, neither do I. Maybe ‘Youthful Folly’ is a better translation; it certainly ties into the theme of the hexagram, as you will see.

Personally, I hate receiving this hexagram; the Judgment seems always to address the questioner instead of the question. Here’s the Judgment:

Meng indicates success.
It is not I who seek the young fool;
The young fool seeks me.
At the first oracle I inform him.
If he asks two or three times, it is importunity.
If he importunes, I give him no information.
Perseverance furthers.

See what I mean? The Yi can get ornery if you abuse it. Here, it is telling me that it will answer my first question, but if I continue to bother it with the same question over and over again, it will make a fool of me. So, I’m going to stick with this answer, even though it doesn’t really seem to be addressing the football game. I really don’t have much to work with here; but, alas, I will persevere.

(Oh! Coincidentally, that last line “Perseverance furthers” could be translated as “It is beneficial to pay for the divination.” Just saying…)

((Oh! Also, “Meng indicates success”…for Bammer!))

Here’s the Image:
A spring at the foot of the mountain.
The jun zi resolves to taking steps to cultivate his virtue.

Since the hexagram is Mountain over Water, that is how we get the image of a spring at the foot of a mountain. Water also represents ‘danger’ though, so that is why the jun zi is told to increase his righteousness. Jun zi means ‘gentleman’ but it is literally the ruler, the one issuing the orders. So, the Yi is saying that Coach Saban should strengthen his character and be thorough in whatever he does. That Saban has repeatedly done this, there can be no doubt.

The image also describes a situation in which the little spring cannot advance because it is stopped by the big mountain. It must be guided, directed, told where to go by the jun zi. This is where the idea of Youthful Folly or Ignorance comes in.

There were two changing lines.

Nine in the second place:
Accommodating the ignorant is auspicious.
Receiving a wife is auspicious.
A son will bring prosperity to the family.

This line is the most important of all the lines in the hexagram, for it represents not the Ignorant Youth, but the Wise Teacher, the jun zi. Here, he is told to treat the Ignorant Youth kindly to ensure a favorable outcome. Incidentally, another translation of meng is ‘cheat’ (or ‘sly’?). Perhaps Miss Bulldog comes in our house a-cheating; if so, we should not respond in kind. We will make the cheating Bulldog our bitch – err, I mean, wife – and can expect our favorite son (which one!?) to bring home the bacon. We should expect a commanding lead in time of possession.

The ideogram for meng is also interpreted as a choking vine. We can take this to mean that the cheating going on could be the kind of holding we witnessed in the game versus la Tigers. The home field advantage (and the Wrath of Saban) should ensure that this holding does not go unpunished, though.

Six in the fourth place:
The Ignorant Youth is fatigued.
This can be cause for regret.

There’s is no denying that we are a little wearied, a little dinged up after the game against la Tigers. The Yi tells us here that this can be a cause for regret. However, if we take into account the previous line, where we were NOT the Ignorant Youth, we can interpret this to mean that we will wear out Miss Bulldog.

So, hey this hexagram was a better prediction than I thought it would be, but let’s push the Yi a little more. Let’s flip the script, as you Americans like to say. And I mean let’s literally flip it. Let’s reverse the hexagram.

If we reverse the hexagram we get Water over Mountain, or hexagram # 39 Jian, or Obstruction. And since we flipped the hexagram, it’s only right that we flip the question. So the question turns into “Will Miss Bulldog beat Bammer?”

The answer, Obstruction or Difficulty, does not bode well for Miss Bulldog. The ideogram is [foot and cold (or poor circulation in the feet)] and is taken to mean ‘lame, crippled, and unlucky’. Lameness does not bode well for Miss Bulldog’s rushing game, to say the least. Also, I am now worried that Sly Croom might have diabeetus.

In summary: Bammer rolls. Bulldogs stumble.

We Fucking Control our own Destiny!
Coming into the year, I’d have taken 9 wins and buried myself in a celebratory bucket of greasy fried chicken, now Bama sits here in November 3 wins away from the National Title Game. Neighsayer columnist abound in just about every major national publication. What Bama needs this weekend is a Mercy Flush by halftime! Because, I’m makin some gameday chili, and some small intestines are going to be in an uproar before this thing will be over.

I Fear that Fucking Finger
Say what you will about Tommy Tuberville holding up whatever collection of appendages to denote his Iron Bowl streak in every shithole country he goes to, I fear whatever meaty finger that Sylvester Croom threatens to hoist up if Bama comes out on the short end in this meeting, I mean, shit guys…

Starkville is Fucking Close!
The Bulldogs have an installation 85 Miles AWAY, who let them set up shop this close to our home base?! What the Fuck people, we can’t have 3 meaty Croom fingers upreared just right down the road!

2 – 0
Alabama is fucking undefeated against teams that have the same mascot animal they have already played. Alabama is also 10 – 0 according to thousands of meaningless small sample size data points, such as “10 – 0 since I saw whales in California” or “10 – 0 since I got drunk and broke my phone”.

Why We are Fucked
The only Fuckedness I can glean out of this situation is 1) the Tide has lost to MSU 2 in a row and haven’t scored a touchdown on them since dinosaurs walked the earth 2) the Bulldogs come to the stadium where the Tide has played their worst, and Bryant Denny Advantage could get another Shit this Saturday night.

Why They are Fucked
MSU is basically worse this year, and except for Andrew Dixon and their defensive backs, there aren’t a lot of bright spots for them this year. No amount of cowbell ringing will help the Bulldogs muster up a run defense. It might be to early to speculate, but could there be another PROCESSED coach around the corner?