Missy: “Those guys really like purple nylon.”

Barney: “Jesus! Its gonna take me MONTHS to re-pee on all the things the tiger fans pee on this weekend”

Bear: “Do LSU fans name their dogs Gerry DiNardo?”

Sarah: “Nothing is quite as disgusting as a corndog in the throes of an ether binge”

Peppy: “If it gets cold enough, I get stuck in a houndstooth sweatshirt. News flash, I’m covered in hair fools!”

Roxy: “…and when there was no whiskey, we drank gin, and when there was no gin, we ate worms”

Patton: “I don’t care if those swamp tigers phone-bomb me, I got no hands! I can’t answer!”

Will Bammer beat la Tigers?

This one is a shocker. Literally. The Yi answered with hexagram # 51 Zhen, or SHOCK, and the ideogram is [rain and atmospheric phenomena] so it is interpreted as a thunderclap, and this is a thunderclap doubled: the hexagram is Thunder over Thunder. A real shocker. A real surprise. So that rain we were waiting for last week has come, and it’s announced by a great crack of thunder.

Scary, isn’t it? Frightened now, aren’t you?

You should be.

The Image is:
Thunder repeated: the image of SHOCK.
Thus in fear and trembling
The superior man sets his life in order
And examines himself.

A sudden peal of thunder can make you jump right out of your boots. It can raise all the hairs on your body and make you wet your pants. There’s many a brave dog that will scamper off, tail between their legs, at the sound of a CLAP! and hunker under a bed or a table shaking with fear. It’s an irrational and instinctual fear, perhaps hearkening back to the days where we huddled, as naked ape-men and ape-women, together under the scant shelter a savanna tree might provide. And as you know, under a tree on a plain is a horrible place to be during a thunder storm.

Frankly, this answer from the Yi is a bit scary too. It says “the superior man sets his life in order and examines himself.” Why would we need to examine ourselves unless the game played out in an unexpected, shocking way? The image of the situation certainly does not bode well. Anyway, let’s move onto the Judgment.

The Judgment reads:
SHOCK brings success.
Shock comes-oh, oh!
Laughing words -ha, ha!
The shock terrifies for a hundred miles,
And he does not let fall the sacrificial spoon and chalice.

The reason that SHOCK brings success is because the first thunderstorms of the year (in ancient China) heralded the coming of Spring, which the trigram Thunder/Shock also represents. SHOCK also brings success because, as is the way with the tao (the movements of the yin and the yang,) an extreme leads to the opposite of the extreme: once you have reached a depth, you have nowhere to go but up, or as the commentary says, “Fear leads to blessings.”

When that sharp peal of thunder first crashes, everyone jumps up and shouts in (literal) excitement. Then, when the sound finally rolls itself away into the distance, everyone looks around and laughs at their reaction to the sudden shock. We laugh because we realize the level of fear displayed was unjustified.

This shock is fairly universal too; it affects everyone within “a hundred miles.” But there is one person that is not affected, and it is he we should look to for guidance. He is the one who does not drop “the sacrificial spoon and chalice.” In ancient China, one of the duties of a ruler was to carryout a certain ritual where he would dip a wooden ladle into a herb-infused wine and then pour the liquid over a sacrificial animal. The Judgment here tells us that this person does not drop the ladle when the Thunder claps. He maintains his composure throughout the short-lived ordeal and manages to complete the sacrifice. We can only hope the sacrifice involves a Tiger.

There was one changing line. Six in the second place:
Shock comes bringing danger.
A hundred thousand times
You lose your treasures
And must climb the nine hills.
Do not go in pursuit of them.
After seven days you will get them back again.

This line tells us that the SHOCK is so great that we must flee from it. It tells us to flee up to the nine hills, or the hill with nine winding passes. (It is interesting that we have taken 9 games to reach the top of our ‘mountain’.) And it tells us that we must flee at such short notice that we cannot take our valuables with us. But it tells us to not fret over this loss of our possessions; it tells us to not go rushing to regain them. If we wait out the storm, all that we had left behind will be returned to us.

My interpretation of this is that we will lose the ball a number of times. If this strikes fear into our collective heart, if we rush to quickly to get the ball back, these turnovers could spell disaster for us. But if we remain patient, if we are confident in our ability to persevere through tough times, the ball will come back to us. “If we love the ball, we should let it go.”

All in all, I think the Judgment “SHOCK brings success” is enough to predict a Bammer victory. I think we will be down at the half due to turnovers, though, and our patience and perseverance (through our defense) will carry us on to a victory in the end.

“We have a new rival in Fucking Alabama!”

-Les Miles, a vocally pro-F-bomb coach

This game has been marked on the Mosquito-Cat’s calendar in turtle blood since January 3, 2007. A whole order of evil spirits have been called down by swamp witches and warlocks. A minor controversy was covered this past week, when former LSU recruit Luther Davis claimed LSU Coach Les Miles called nick saban “The Devil”. Miles has denied the story, issuing a detailed response while stomping a cockroach the size of a cat, spraying cockroach guts all over the beat reporters:

“I clearly referred to that other team’s coach only as a demon or some other lesser hellspawn. Everyone knows the Devil went down to Georgia. While Alabama is very near Georgia, I would never risk the wrath of Lucifer by making such a comparison. Coach Saban would be more like a specific, goal-oriented lesser god such as Hades or Loki or perhaps the Persian Ba`al or the Aztec Mictlantecuhtzi. Though his small stature and acumen dealing with defensive backs may indicate that he is merely an imp or goblin who deftly snatches babies for one of the more powerful gods.”

What a Fucking Day
In 1996 Shaun Alexander had his coming out party in Baton Rouge, rushing for 291 yards and 4 TDs as a redshirt freshman. You know, the sortof stuff he did before he started hanging out in the Pacific Northwest and falling down at the line of scrimmage.

These Guys Fucking Hate Nick Saban!
If Bear Bryant came back from the dead, became president and outlawed titties, then Bobby Lowder convinced him to take over at Auburn, he brought in Michael Vick in as offensive coordinator and Albert Means as an NCAA compliance assistant, and then on Christmas Eve he hopped in a sleigh and flew all over the country delivering shit-filled Kermit the Frog toys to child cancer patients and burn victims. THAT is how bad LSU fans hate Nick Saban.

Thanks For the Fucking Penis Monsters
Will Wright, creator of Sim City and the Sims, recently drew upon his 2 years of education at LSU to create his most recent hit, Spore, a game where you win by uploading dancing dicks to youtube.

Why We are Fucked
Clearly, this is the worst possible time to get fucked, and if an LSU fan were writing the story of the Alabama season, the plot would take a comically bad turn at this point with Chevy Chase playing Coach Saban and tripping over lots of stuff and getting trapped in a septic tank. The game may hinge on an improved but still inconsistent Alabama quarterback facing a defense putting 9, 10, 12 people in the box. I personally hope, if Bama gets fucked, its cute little Trindon Holliday that does it, and not some epic JPW fucking it up.

Why They are Fucked
The away team advantage will be in full effect this weekend. I don’t think Alabama will play an awayer game this century and you can bet that the offensive and defensive lines will start out strong. The Tide have been at their best when on the road, and LSU brings their own inconsistent quarterback that tossed 5 picks in their lopsided losses to Georgia and Florida.

Note to Parents: Be sure to shield your child’s eyes from those who may try to remind Bama fans of the team’s current BCS ranking.