WILL BAMMER BEAT THE WILDCATS?

Hexagram 6: CONTENTION

CONTENTION is [words for the public] and has the meaning of ‘lawsuit’ or ‘arguing’.

The Image: [The trigram of] Heaven [and the trigram of] Water move in opposition [to each other,] [this symbolizes] CONTENTION; accordingly, the junzi regards as his business [preparing] a strategy for the beginning.

Bammer should take the lead from the start.

The Judgment: CONTENTION: Have confidence, [though there is] obstruction. [To act with] caution [will bring] good fortune. [To CONTEND to the bitter] end will bring bad fortune. It is beneficial to see the Great Man, it is not beneficial to ford the Great Stream.

Unlike Urban Meyer we can expect Coach Saban to exercise caution and withdraw from the CONTENTION before the bitter end. Expect Bammer to have enough of a lead that GMac can be pulled from the game early.

I had no changing lines but there is only one line that ‘wins’ in CONTENTION.

Line 5: [The way that] CONTENTION [is dealt with here] results in good fortune.
Commentary: [This is because the] rank and [central] position is correct.

Again, this is the only line that comes out of CONTENTION all the better for it. And the reason this is so is that the one represented by this line is ranked appropriately and acts like it. We should take this line to represent Bammer; we are ranked appropriately (much higher than Kentucky) and we can be expected to perform as our position dictates.

If we are line number 5 then Kentucky would be line 2, which responds to the 5th line.

Line 2: [The one here] cannot bear the CONTENTION, [he should] return and run away to his home. The three hundred families in his city state are not to blame.
Commentary: [This is because] from a lower place [he] contends with a superior,  [he] brings extreme suffering [upon himself].

So, as you can see, Kentucky is in no position to contend with us. This could get quite ugly for them, thus I foresee a lot of mistakes on their part.

Summary: “Stop hitting yourself, Kentucky! Stop hitting yourself!”

I know a win is a win, but will Saban have his boys ready to really party in Lexington on Saturday? I mean, REALLY party?

Fucking Kickoff Returns!
Kickoff coverage allowed another big play against Arkansas, and the Wildcat Derrick Locke currently rank 9th nationally and 2nd in the SEC with 34.12 yards per kickoff return (less than half a yard less than the Florida’s explosive Brandon James).

Check out my new motherfucking elephant:

Why we are fucked?
Unless you are lucky enough to see the game in Lexington, you are fucked because of the inevitable Florida comparisons that will marinate the bush leauge early-kickoff commentary, all the more reason to switch to Eli if you can.

Why they are fucked?
Alabama is all set to take advantage of a recent rule change that went through in 1906 called the FORWARD PASS.

Anyway, I’m cutting this short, because I’m on vacation, and I’ll be well outside of Eli Gold range for the game

This week’s prediction is a little different than my usual predictions in that I translated this one from the Chinese myself. (The internet is an awesome help for this, as my understanding of the Chinese language is mostly limited to ‘fried rice’ and ‘long time no see’.)  By doing so, I hoped to gain a greater grasp of the original language being used, and avoid the (sometimes) overzealous and misguided explanations common in the many translations I usually consult. If there is any ‘strangeness’ to this week’s column, you will know why.

As is becoming the norm now, I asked the Yi Jing if Bammer was going to win this weekend, and just like last game, I got the same YES answer; that is, I got the same damn hexagram: #11, Tai. And rather than repeating the same prediction, I thought it would satisfy you (and me) more if I asked again. This second time I asked the Yi Jing to describe how Bammer would beat the Cats.

The Yi Jing answered with hexagram # 49, Ko, or Revolution (or molting).

The pictogram for Ko is that of an ‘animal flayed by hands’; how this is, in turn, taken to mean ‘revolution’, I really have no idea. But the image is nice: we’re going to bag us a wildcat, then stuff and mount it. Maybe this is ‘revolution’ in the sense that we will have  transformed an overgrown and feral house cat into another trophy we can mount on our wall  — we can hang it between the orange tiger paw and Hairy Dawg collar.

The ‘judgment’ of the hexagram expresses the following sentiment (in my own, horrible words):

When the day of the Revolution comes, you will be made a believer.
The gift to the superior proceeds smoothly.
It is advantageous to remain virtuous.
Regret vanishes.

The changing line # 4 echoes this sentiment:

Regret vanishes.
Have confidence.

So that is my meager translation of the pertinent text; now, we must interpret this. What is this revolution? What regrets do we have to lose? Confidence in what? It seems to me that the Yi Jing is telling us something that Bammer fans (and even some media types) have been saying (perhaps while ‘knocking on wood’) for a couple of weeks now: Bammer is back.

This Revolution we’re talking about is made manifest by the sloughing off of an old skin (our past: Shula, Price, Franchione, Dubose) and the donning of new glorious robes formed from the very sweat of our savior Saban. It’s been 15 years since we were ranked as high as we are now, and people might have doubted that it was even possible in such a short amount of time, but as the text says: When the day of the Revolution comes, you will be made a believer. This day has come. Regret and remorse over past seasons’ disappointments will disappear, and confidence in the new administration will be had.

Back to Fucking Tuscaloosa!
We will be welcoming SEC play back to Tuscaloosa Alabama!! Mal Moore has expressed wishes to make this game a “Color-Out” where all the Fans dress in a beautiful rainbow of colors to show support for all the closeted homosexuals on the other team.

Are you Fucking Kidding Me?
Kentucky is a victim of the worse school graffiti scandal I’ve ever heard of. We all know that some dumbass fans occasionally write brilliant slogans or catchy phallic logos in some stupid places where people that don’t even give a shit have to spend money to clean it up. But this takes the entire cake… a doctor branding uteruses with a Kentucky UK!

Let Loose the Fucking Puns!
Last week’s coverage gave us gems like “With Dawgs fans in black, it felt like a funeral for Georgia” ,  “No funeral, just a rebirth of Alabama’s national title hopes” , “Alabama delivers last rites to Georgia, arrives on title scene” , “Crimson Tide flow early, bury Georgia” We can only squeeze our butt cheeks in fear of the headlines that editors will be brewing up this week in their cavernous large intestines.

You may have heard of MC Double Def DP, a talented Kentucky alum (rap starts at about 6:00 in)

Why We’re Fucked
The last SEC game in Tuscaloosa was a heartbreaking loss to LSU, who our visiting Wildcats upset last October, handing it to them in overtime. Though, if my hazy damaged memory serves me right, that game featured a fair amount of foot-shooting penalty action by the Swamp-Tigers, so we could rename this one Why We Will Fuck Ourselves. Even we don’t have enough reasons to be fucked now, we’ll have a few more when the Wildcat’s basketball team comes to town on Jan. 24.

Why They’re Fucked
And the brilliant quarterback that led them to their upset over LSU?? He’s picking up loose change for Mouth-Hanging-Open Manning up in New York City.

Bludgeon Party 2008!
According to their own coach, we “bludgeoned Clemson’s nose,”  “bludgeoned the team that was No. 1 to start the year,” and our linemen have been “bludgeoning people.”

Mike Johnson hits linebackers with this shit