Man, I tell you what, boys and girls, this has been one tough week for yours truly. I have cast so many damned hexagrams, tossed about three fiddy in change, and divided so many yarrow stalks (actually, I use Q-tips) that I have developed a divinatory version of carpal tunnel syndrome. And like so many of our elders, hobbling their own sad way around the Golden Corral buffet, I’m going to have to forego the many contradictory indications and go with what my bones tell me on this one. And what my bones tell me is this:

The sneezeguard protects you from nothing, I mean…err…Yes. Bammer will win.

First, and foremost, I say this because the last time I asked the Yi Jing (and it is the last time I am going to do it for this damned game) I received an unchanging hexagram: #11 Tai or Peace. The character (Tai) itself is a pictogram of water slipping through a person’s hands. Thus, the Tide will break tackles and, hopefully, slip into the endzone many times.

The hexagram is also indicative of a Bammer victory because of the symbolism inherent in the structure of the lines. The 3 bright, Yang lines are rising from the bottom to meet the 3 descending dark, Yin lines. It symbolizes a moment of equilibrium between the two forces, which is to be followed by the rise in dominance and abundance of the bright Yang. Light is overtaking the darkness. Hopefully, this means that Georgia, by hosting an event called a Blackout, will have dressed for their own funeral.

Tai is also one of the 4 hexes that I like to take as simple Yes or No answers to questions like, Will Bammer win? It’s not often that the Yi Jing will answer a question with such a simple answer, but I like to think of hexes 1 and 11 being a Yes answer, and hexes 2 and 12 being a No answer.

We can follow the “story” told in the 6 lines of the hex to see how the game will play out.

1: When ribbon grass is pulled up, the sod comes with it. Bammer’s gonna tear that field up. We might have to change our cleats a couple of times during the game.

2: Bearing with the uncultured in gentleness, fording the river with resolution, not neglecting what is distant,not regarding one’s companions, thus one may manage to walk in the middle. Sure, Ugga’s dissing us with their Blackout but we will not respond in kind. We’ll play this game like professionals: concentrating on the task at hand, preparing for the games ahead, and ignoring the antics of the haters surrounding us. We walk the straight and narrow path to BCS victory.

3: No plain not followed by a slope. No going not followed by a return. Now, every play might not go the way we want it too, but that’s only natural. Every game has its ups and its downs. We recognize the fact, remain firm, and perservere.

4: He flutters down, not boasting of his wealth. Even after dominating Arkansas, we come into Athens humble and prepared. This bodes well.

5: The sovereign I Gives his daughter in marriage. Our leader, JP the Completer. His commands are obeyed, and everyone benefits.

6: The wall falls back into the moat. We’re gonna flood the hedges.

Waldo: “Do those Bulldogs like to roll around in shit too???”

Otis: “I hope Corso doesn’t pick us to win!”

Freckles: “I’m very concerned about our linebackers in pass coverage!”

Beau: “The Big 10 is slow LMAO”

Susie: “Finebaum has got me on hold right now, I got some shit to say about Tony Franklin that’s gonna get the booger-eaters all riled up”

Sugar: “Over-Rated! bark bark barkbarkbark!”

Who the Fuck is Georgia
Georgia is based in Athens*, where they invented REM and philosophy and hedges. Their state features a giant peach that moons you while you’re on the highway. PS, our good ole Chilton County peaches are better, why don’t they replace that water tower with a big ass Matlock head.

Why We are Fucked
We Caint Defend the SCREEN! We Caint Defend the SCREEN! Damn these guys fucked us up and down with screen passes last year, it was like Groundhog Day. Mathew Stafford can light it up if he gets enough time, and running back Knowshon Moreno might be the best back in the US of A (but he unfortunately  got shitfacebooked last year).

Why They are Fucked
Georgia has been shit on by the injury pigeon this year, losing Trinton Sturdivant before the season began and dealing with several other banged up linemen, and they’ll have to face Bama’s offensive and defensive grunts are looking like a pack of hungry bears.

The Pressure is all on the Dawgs
The Bulldogs have had to deal with 2008 pressure and expectations even before Todd Boekman was scraped of the Superdome turf after last years championship game. If Alabama loses, well sheeeeyit, what’d you expect playing the No. 3 team in the country?? but if Alabama wins… we get to humiliate Ryan Seacrest’s Alma Mater!

And one Dawg shall lead them All

Fuck Ya’ll, we got Electricity
Pouring buckets of lemon juice in the wounds of the half-million hurricane Ike victims still without power, Georgia has decided this weekend would be their ‘blackout’ game. Luckily, those Texas residents won’t be offended, since their cow-skull adorned TV sets won’t be getting the electrons they need to function. As they pan the crowd, I’m just hoping to hear the announcer say “We’ve replaced these 80,000 Georgia t-shirts and jerseys with tight-fitting emo t-shirts, do you think anyone will notice the difference?” The blackout bus has left the building, fellas, and anyway, Colorado did it just last Thursday they had crazy motherfuckers at the gates spray painting grandma’s that showed up in pink. In Athens, it will just be used as a cover up for domestic violence.

Fuckin Smuggler
The Bulldogs often sneak an extra defensive back onto the field inside their mascot Uga’s massive rolls of neck flesh. Everyone is like “awww, cute little Uga MXXVII or whatever” then BAM a motherfucking 5’11″ 195 pound cornerback pops out of his neck-rolls and breaks up a pass. I’ll be Tivoing this game for some solid evidence of this horse shit.

Fucked Links
Bobby Petrino Gmail Account Hacked!!!
This Band apparently likes to Party
Pac-Man Jones Fined for Not Tucking Gun Into Pants

*Also, Tuscaloosa’s own Dexateens will be playing at Athen’s 40 watt club Friday night, will they dare yell RTR??

Once again, we are going to look past our current game. Against the wishes of the entire Alabama coaching staff, our families, and against the recommendations of various doctors.

Hellooo Georgia!

Next week, looms a game no one, NO ONE, picked Alabama to win before the season began. Not even your super-bammer 12 year-old-bucktoothed-distant-cousin that shaves “AUBS SUX” into the flea ridden pelts of stray dogs.

Preseason Numero Uno* Georgia plays a night game vs last year’s #16 Arizona State team that coach Dennis Erickson had surprising everyone. If you can focus your eyes beyond the huge jug of victory whiskey in your lap, you can imagine whatever Rudy Carpenter manages on the Dawgs is probably JPWs best case scenerio. Being on ABC prime time, Mickey Mouse** shit his pants a little when UNLV beat ASU and knocked them out of the top 25 last weekend, BUT, even mentioning Arizona State gives us reason to tube up one of John Goodman’s greatest roles ever!

*Espanol for Preseason Number One. Also, preseason rankings are horse shit, BUT, what are we gonna do? Send the National Guard into our streets to take away the pens and poll-taking abilities of our sports-writers and coaches? the logistics would be a fuckin mess

**Mickey Mouse and ABC are owned by Disney, who are rumored to be developing a college football ride at their theme parks, where a small fishing boat powered by a trolling motor takes you through a small cave where itty bitty singing football players run flea flickers and fake punts

ALSO:
Competitive Eater Takeru Kobayashi is going to be in Birmingham!