Will Bammer beat the Booger Eaters?

This week Bammer returns to the field after a much needed off week. We’re 11-0 (I’m 13-0 in Yi Jing predictions this year, btw and fyi) and now we get to face our most hated opponent: them Booger Eaters on the Plains, who have provided us with a near constant supply of schadenfreude this season. So, I ask the Yi, Can we end this six game streak of theirs?

The Yi answered with hexagram # 55 Feng, or Abundance. (The ideogram is [container filled with mountainous abundance].)

The Image:
Both thunder and lightning come:
The image of ABUNDANCE.
Thus the superior man decides lawsuits
And carries out punishments.

The hexagram is the trigram Zhen (thunder, motion) over the trigram Li (fire, awareness) so this is how we get the image of thunder and lightning. My favorite translator of the Yi says, “Thunder from Zhen represents majesty and lightning from Li represents sagacity.” Thus, here, we have the image of our Sage-King Saban not just creating and laying down the foundation for principles and rules imposed by his virtuous authority, but carrying them out: justly, Sage-King Saban punishes the offensive Tigers. Hopefully, the punishment will include lopping off six booger-covered fingers.

The Judgment:
ABUNDANCE brings success.
The king attains abundance.
Do not be worried.
You should be like the sun at midday.

Abundance can lead to over-abundance in the blink of an eye. And extremes retrograde quickly. But we are told not to worry about that here. We shouldn’t worry because our Sage-King Saban has acquired the abundance, and we can trust in his virtuosity to handle this bestowal with appropriateness. We need to reflect (on) these qualities of virtue possessed by our Sage-King, and thus “shine like the noon sun.” The sun at it’s zenith, for a moment eternal, the continuum carrying toward setting comes another day. Here we shine. Abundance brings success for Bammer.

Nine at the beginning:
When a man meets his destined ruler,
Although they are of the same kind,
There will be no error.
Going meets with recognition.

This line describes a meeting of equals. (Technically, it describes the relationship between lines 1 and 4 in the hexagram. Both are Yang, so they are equals and assumed to be unable to join harmoniously.) They are equal, but one is recognized as the superior here. The superior one, of course, is the Sage-King mentioned above. So, here is described the meeting between Tuberville and Saban. It is a meeting of equals (i.e. they are both head coaches,) yet the lesser one (the visiting one, the one “going”) is told to recognize the superiority of the “destined ruler” (our Saban.) The commentary on this line even goes so far as to warn the lesser equal that “it will be perilous if he tries to outshine his partner.

In summary, Tuberville comes to town and recognizes his superior, Saban.

Sixth in the fifth place:
His notable partner is come.
To welcome him with honor and praise is auspicious.

Let’s take this line to represent Saban. It’s in the right spot; the fifth line has represented the leader of the team in every predicition so far. Here, Saban is told that it would bring good fortune to respond (from his superior position) to his lesser equal with humiltiy and grace. The two words used here in the text are qing (congratulate) [go and offer heartfelt gift of deerskin] and yu (honor, reputation) [words given, as a hand would give]. So, this line is telling us that it would be good for Saban to congratulate his lesser equal guest with warm praise for his reputation (previous six wins). I assume that there will be some of this praise for Tuberville and Co. in Saban’s post-victory press conference, as there have been plenty of displays of humility and recognition by Saban already this year.

So, in summary: Don’t worry. Saban is the superior here. Bammer has success. I don’t see the Booger Eaters scoring very much at all.

Clemson Threw Coach Tommy Bowden under the Bus this morning, a few days after he loses to Wake Forest and threw his QB under the bus. Later, QB Cullen Harper, after making a big purchase at Whole Food’s unpleasant grape section, says “It’s what he deserved.” So, who is next up for an extra large order of bus enchiladas.. one of our struggling rivals maybe?

Philip Fulmer – Third Saturday in Blogtober has been looking for a replacement for the Great Pumpkin since September, but it will doubtfully be as easy as fooling him with a “Free Bustache Rides” sign. With his slightly shiny resume and just being a year removed from an SEC west crown, I think he’ll be around a little longer. They’ll probably keep him around just for being so hated in Alabama that he incites lawsuits. Axing Fulmer and his staff could cost the University $9.55 Million, to translate that for you Tennessee dudes, that could buy over a half million of those fuckin weird hats (unless you insist on actual animal fur).

Tommy Tuberville - After losing to hapless squad of Petrino Hogs, the Aubs are in disarray, and many bammers are rejoicing at their trials and tribulations. Me, I’m just glad their providing a solid target for Paul Finebaum and his restless natives to throw poison darts at. I’m sure the Auburn board of Trustees is in a black helicopter hovering over Will Muschamp’s house right now, but I’d still be shocked if they ran General Augustus Tubervilius off this year. Still, we all drink from the same water system generously fortified with the impatience and high expectations that sent Mike Shula back to the steak house less than 12 months after a top 10 finish in the polls. It should also be noted that Tuberville’s contract features a $6 million buyout, which would buy you 1.7 million of those trunk tails (which recently had their price SLASHED 60 CENTS). And i think these buyouts might make a bigger difference as retirement plans dive bomb and athletic boosters’ sphincter holes seal up airtight.

In his post Arkansas press conference, Alabama Coach Nick Saban references the cruel and vicious Attila the Hun in the same sentence that he mentions a tasty sugary drink often delivered by an overweight anthropomorphic pitcher that busts through walls. Why would he do this? We’ll tell you why.

1) Nick Saban feels unnecessarily vilified, much like Attila, who was completely trashed by the media in the 450s. With the catchy nickname “Scourge of God”, the El Hunero Uno was accused of his brother’s murder, extortion of neighboring leaders (even the Pope), and accidentally eating his own sons.

2) He just finished reading Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun, which, incidentally, is a good companion to Hiroyuki Nishigaki’s How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?, did you know you should be shitting 11 times a day?

3) The University of Alabama will soon invade the Balkans: We will go ahead and consider this the least likely reason for the Attila reference, but this could be a possible untapped resource for Bauxite, Coal, thick-legged offensive linemen, and lots of people that have been pissed at each other for centuries.

4) Saban sees USC as the Roman Empire: He desires Alabama to be feared like the relentless Hun empire who played a part in the Roman Empire’s demise. Emperor Theodosius II is quoted as saying “You never want to battle the Huns, they try to dominate you with every disemboweling” and General Augustus Tubervilius once said “Those Huns scare me almost as much as my Board of Trustees”

5) Recruiting, Recruiting, Recruiting: As Attila plundered cities during his military campaigns he enlisted scores of recruits , this is pretty the only way Saban wants to travel.

6) Its All About the Process: The Process is all about people and execution, and Attila’s process efficiently combined the two, with a healthy dose of archers on horseback.

7) Education: Believe it or not, we’re an education institution here! Referencing an ancient Emperor is a lot more educational-like than saying Git-R-Done or ‘that running back was like Neo in the Matrix’.