Tower of Bammer » Florida

I Came to drop F-Bombs on the 2009 SEC Champeenship

Alabama Man Dance — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:36:37 +0000

Who the Fuck is Florida?
The University of Florida is a fucking state college with about 55 fucking thousand students, located in Gainesville, Florida. Florida has given us gifts like the comedian Todd Barry and has also been known to occasionally aim its Taser of Education on goofball conspiracy theorists.

Game of the Fucking Millennium!
Welcome United States! Ola Estados Unidos! This weekend’s football action has it ALLLLL. You don’t need jobs! You don’t need food! You probably don’t even need to God Damn breathe! You just need to sit your ass down and watch this SEC game this weekend.* Grab a sharpie, write your emergency contact information on your arm**, strap on your adult diapers, and sit that ice cold cooler full of borderline disgusting beer RIGHT IN YOUR LAP, this shit is going to blow up the entire fucking Earth!

Whats at Stake?
The Universities of Florida and Alabama, cherished havens of knowledge, are meeting for the Second time in two years in the battle over who actually has to give a shit about this bar:

Things to fucking watch out for:

A Big Letdown! Any game preceded by this much hype will be a letdown for somebody. If there are more than 2 droppped catches or any fumbles in the second half, get ready for a breakdown on how the offense is a bunch of disappointing finger puppets. If more than 20 points are scored, get ready to hear some old-timer tell you how nobody plays defense anymore. I think the only way this game could not end up a letdown, is if both teams left the field, grabbed explosives and blew up every fucking Chick-Fil-A in the Greater Atlanta area.

Eye-black Bible verses bursting the fuck out of your television! I’m thinking on Saturday we might see Tebow drop some Deuteronomy 23:2, it reads “one of illegitimate birth shall not enter the congregation of the Lord”. This would be a subtle but Lordly insult aimed at all those bastard referees.

Nick Saban tearing up equipment! Nick Saban has been known to get all DRUNK HULK on us when he gets angry. I mean, if you demand perfection and get dumb penalties in the red zone something has to pay, preferably something replaceable and that doesn’t feel pain. I wonder how many back-up headsets he has, he probably carries them around like David Banner has to carry around extra shirts and purple pants.

Fucking Airports
What do the Florida Swamp Lizards and the our hated rival, the Auburn Department of Defense Birds of Prey have in common? They have commercials featuring alumni greeting each other in CRAAZY places with their slogan. In other news, everyone not from your school thinks you look like a tool when you do this***.

In Conclusion
Prediction: Game winning two point conversion by Terrence Cody.

* Stick your nose down there and take a DEEEP BREATH America! Commit it to memory. If you have tits, commit it to Mammary. The rules of the Geneva Convention will not be enforced! HIP HOP too boring? Play some METAL! Is Metal too cheesy? Play some CLUB SHIT! Is club shit too gay? Play some PUNK! Is punk too dead? Play some SURF! Too far away from the ocean? Play some BLUEGRASS! no grass on the field? DON’T PLAY BALL!

** and be sure to write your email address on your baby, if needed

**This is possibly acceptable at the airport sports bar, where people are too busy staring at their overpriced styrofoam cup of beer. And, I’m sure there’s some dumb Alabama commercial that does the same thing, but I haven’t seen it yet, so feel free to zinger me with that, you fucking haters.

The Yi Jing Prediction: Alabama vs Urban Peninsula Lizards

be.rock — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:14:51 +0000

Will Bammer beat the Gators?

The most important divination yet is for the “Game of the Century” — Bammer vs Floriduh. Bammer returns to where the whole dream season started: Hotlanta. Will we be able to finish what we started there? Or, will the Gators chomp a mighty chunk of flesh from our hide? The Yi gave me this:

Hexagram # 41 Sun, or DECREASE or LOSS.

The ideogram is [hand and ceremonial vessel] and is interpreted most often as “damage,” “harm,” and “loss”. I admit: at first glance, this looks bad for us, but as the commentary says: “Decrease does not under all circumstances mean something bad. Increase and decrease come in their own time. What matters here is to understand the time and not to try to cover up poverty with empty pretense.” Last week we had ABUNDANCE; this week we have a loss of some of that abundance. Personally, I think the DECREASE is the LOSS of some of the abundance of respect we had last week: everyone thought we would win against Aubarn (the support was “abundant”;) this week, though, there is a decrease in support, and we enter the game #1 and yet a 10 point underdog.

Here’s the Image of the situation:

At the foot of the mountain, the lake:
The image of DECREASE.
Thus the superior man controls his anger
And restrains his instincts.

The Lake is joyous; the Mountain is bounding. Thus, the superior man controls his anger by virtue of remaining joyous, and controls his instinctual desire to rush after what is lost by remaining still. There is no doubt (in my mind, at least) that our Sage-King Saban can control and channel the anger at being “misunderestimated” that his players feel, and that he can check their instinctual desire to rush too quickly to earn back the lost respect.

The Judgment:

DECREASE combined with confidence
Brings about supreme good fortune
Without blame.
One may be persevering in this.
It furthers one to undertake something.
How is this to be carried out?
One may use two small bowls for the sacrifice.

See, this makes DECREASE and LOSS seem not so bad, right? It is saying that if we remain confident in our own abilities, good fortune will follow. This is the kind of perseverance Sage-King Saban has preached all year long. To bring this about, though, a sacrifice must be made. The ideogram of Sun makes this clear, and here we are told to offer but a meager sacrifice to receive blessings. The LOSS, therefore, is a sacrifice made, and it is a meager sacrifice of “two small bowls of grain.” How to interpret this in football terms…

The situation is one of LOSS and DECREASE, yet we are still asked to give something. What can we possibly give if we have but little? I think it is the respect of the media that we have to give up. Or, rather, it is caring about what the media thinks about us that we have to give up. We must sacrifice even that meager support that we have, and walk this path to BCS victory alone…as the first changing line says. Here’s the first changing line:

Six in the third place means:

When three people journey together,
Their number decreases by one.
When one man journeys alone,
He finds a companion.

ESPN had a poll. It asked people who they thought would win the SECCG and showed the results by state. Everybody in the country (except for us here in Bammer nation) thought Floriduh would win. Thus, they are traveling in a group of “three”, and like the saying goes, “Two’s company, three’s a crowd.” Bammer, on the other hand, travels alone: only the people living in Bammer said that Bammer would win. Thus, we can interpret this line in the following way: Floriduh is going to lose some of their supporters at the end of the day, Alabama will gain some.

Nine at the top means:
His wishes of not taking a loss will benefit others.

No error.

Perseverance brings good fortune.

It is advantageous to go somewhere.

His subordinates are so dedicated to their assignments

That they act as if they had no families.

After last week, Sage-King Saban no longer occupies the 5th line; he now occupies the 6th: the line of the King. The king can afford to give, can afford to sacrifice, because he is only giving what was previously given to him. In his mind, it is not a loss. When the people prosper under the generosity of a beneficent king, there is no LOSS, even for the king. Here we are told that the King travels with one purpose: victory. And the players, having fully bought into the Sage-King’s system, devotedly follow him toward the same purpose. How can this not predict a win for us?

This is the resulting hexagram:

Hexagram # 11 Tai, or PEACE.

This is one of the 4 hexagrams that I take as Yes or No answers to questions. Here, we have a Yes. (This could also mean we win whatever next game we play too.) The ideogram is [water slipping through a person's hands] and I hope you recall that this was the same hexagram that predicted victory over Georgia. It really is more like [Coffee slipping through tackles].

The Image:

Heaven and earth unite: the image of PEACE.
Thus the ruler
Divides and completes the course of heaven and earth,
And so aids the people.

The ruler, Sage-King Saban, “completes the course.” It all started in Hotlanta and it will end in Hotlanta. It all started in Miami and it will end in Miami.

The Judgment:

PEACE. The small departs,
The great approaches. Good fortune. Success.

Good fortune. Success. For many years to come.

I Came to Drop F-Bombs: The SEC Championship

Alabama Man Dance — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 23:13:14 +0000

Who the Fuck is Florida
Florida is a school of 52,000 motherfuckers located in Gainsville, Florida. The university is named after the state where old people go to die and Canadians go to drive bad. House guru Bob Vila is a Gator, he was the undisputed renovation sensei until that metrosexual Ty from Extreme Home Makeover started rebuilding entire fucking neighborhoods.

“I will fuck your shitty bammer houses up if my Gators lose”

Welcome to the Fucking SEC Title Game
A solid defense, Imploding rival programs, top notch newcomers, and unreal injury luck has bammers planning a December Atlanta invasion for the first time since 1999, when most current UA students were teetotaler virgins aspiring to be like the lead singer from Sugar Ray.

Who can forget the 2005 game? The 31-3 victory prematurely propelled Bama into Backness, but apparently not really Back, only ‘sortof Back’. With a win Saturday, Bama will silence all the haters with the Sounds of True Backness. I’ll always remember that game because later than night I had my tamborine taken away from me at the bar (and no that’s not some obscure euphemism).

Two Fucking Words: Terrence Cody
To beat the Urban Peninsula Lizards, Cody will have to be disruptive. We know the big man in the Middle has weaknesses, his kryptonite is apparently Ole Miss offensive linemen flying into his leg, but he also has his “Popeye Spinach”, and we happen to have a jug or two.

The Tide is a Big Fucking Underdog
The No. 1 team in the country is an underdog on a neutral site! Fucking Unprecedented! You’re going to have to wait until Saturday to find out if this is just a love affair with Tim Tebow and his speedsters or a case of the best team having more losses. But, as for the Official Tower of Bammer Opinion on the Matter, we’re going to hand it over to our correspondent Walter Sobchack, who is reporting from the bowling alley:

Why We are Fucked
They have played batshit insane since losing to Ole Miss. Florida’s offense has always been good under Urban Meyer, but the defense has been very solid, looking more like the National Championship 2006 squad that last years. Florida has 15 players on the roster that can run faster than the speed of sound and Tebow can crush buildings with his meaty man-paws.

Why They are Fucked
Defensively, Alabama conceivably can match up well with the Gators. Offensively it will be important to shorten the game with the “Ground Coffee” attack. While the Percy Harvin cankle injury has gotten more headlines, the difference maker could be the absence pf linemen Brandon Antwine and Matt Patchan, which could help out the beefy Bama line, which has to dominate for the Tide to have a chance.

In Fucking Conclusion
If Bama wins, I beg thee to riot.

Burt Reynolds SECCG Showdown

Alabama Man Dance — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 16:10:40 +0000

Burt Reynolds movies are extremely accurate football predictors, with 100% winning predictions over 78% of the time. So we will unearth the truth by comparing arbitrary observations of Burt’s 1976 swamp noir epic Gator and his 1978 Tuscaloosa-filmed coming-of-old-age stuntman character piece, Hooper, and apply this to the upcoming bigger than earth SEC championship game.

Character Name: While Sonny Hooper might be a great name for a morrally flexible politician or carpet theif, Gator McKlusky takes the cake here, combining vicious reptilian intimidation and proud but questionable Scottish heritage.

Winner:

Burtstache: This HAS to be a draw, both burtstaches are pretty strong and I’m not man enough to pick a winner.

Winner:

Burt’s Babes: Lauren Hutton vs Sally Field, gap-toothed makeup huckster ex-model vs Forrest Gump’s mom, gotta go with Sally Field here just because Lauren Hutton scares me with that Micheal Strahan smile.

Winner:

Transportation: Rocket powered stunt cars jumping over rivers and dodging falling towers? Swamp fan-boats are still cool, i’ve always wanted to drive one of those things through the Everglades and run over some endangered species.

Winner:

Supporting Cast: Hooper features Adam West, the future Rosco P. Coltrane and the pilot of Airwolf, while Gator has very few names, except maybe that dude that always plays drunks in westerns.

Winner:

The Final Tally: Bama 2, Airwolf 1 and Florida 1, Bama Wins, Go Hooper!

The TPS report: Regular season finale

TJ — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:30:08 +0000

The TPS Report: Schadenfreude edition

TJ — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 13:59:37 +0000

Looking Ahead: The SEC Championship

Alabama Man Dance — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:08:47 +0000

We all know that the Purple Swamp People want all the attention to be on THEM, and they want us to feel BAD about our carpetbagger scum bag coach who left poor ole billionaire Wayne Huizenga high and dry, and they are pissed their little kid named Nicholas is constantly scorned and booed to the point he has to huddle up with the other 11 Nicks and form a preschool gang. SO what better time than NOW to look past this massively overhyped game vs 6 – 2 division rival? Fuck it, I don’t have to study fuckin film all week looking at how some right tackle releases from his anticipatory squat.

Alabama is now ranked number one in both the AP and BCS polls. Even with a let down this weekend, the Tide will STILL be the favorite get to Atlanta and the SEC Championship Game, Auburn and Bulldog streaks be damned like they should. Many of the “experts” already have the Tide lined up to get though November, only to get lit up by the Gators in Atlanta like a hot knife through a kitten made out of butter.

Florida has pretty much wrapped up the SEC East. Despite an early season fumble-em-up vs Ole Miss and Whiskey Eyes, the Gators have looked very good this year, introducing skid marks into defensive back’s underwear throughout the league. When Florida discussion comes up, ESPN will typically beat you over the head with phrases like “Blazing Fast” or “World Class Speed” or “The Bible Verse painted in Tim Tebow’s Eye Grease give him magical powers”, but the Gators strength could very well be their solid defense, which probably has more in common with their crystal egg hoisting 2006 team than last years squad that didn’t hold a single SEC team below 20 points.

The Good:
Alabama is 4th in Total Defense, Florida is 16th (NCAA Ranks)
Alabama 18th Rushing Offense, Florida is 24th
Alabama 2nd in Rushing Defense, Florida is 13th

The Bad:
Florida is 6th in Passing Efficiency, Alabama is 56th
Florida is 32nd is Passing Defense, Alabama is 34th
Florida is 31st in Total Offense, Alabama is 61st
Florida is 1st in Turnover Margin, Alabama is 41st (though, honestly this stat can be misleading, see OTS’s great Fumble Luck post)

Anyway, I know this is putting the sauce before the ribs, But it really doesn’t matter, since WE DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO PREPARE FOR THE GAME! Well, beyond decisions like “Beer or Liquor?” or “Which direction do we run from these Purple Clad motherfuckers that take this shit waay too seriously?”