In his post Arkansas press conference, Alabama Coach Nick Saban references the cruel and vicious Attila the Hun in the same sentence that he mentions a tasty sugary drink often delivered by an overweight anthropomorphic pitcher that busts through walls. Why would he do this? We’ll tell you why.

1) Nick Saban feels unnecessarily vilified, much like Attila, who was completely trashed by the media in the 450s. With the catchy nickname “Scourge of God”, the El Hunero Uno was accused of his brother’s murder, extortion of neighboring leaders (even the Pope), and accidentally eating his own sons.

2) He just finished reading Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun, which, incidentally, is a good companion to Hiroyuki Nishigaki’s How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?, did you know you should be shitting 11 times a day?

3) The University of Alabama will soon invade the Balkans: We will go ahead and consider this the least likely reason for the Attila reference, but this could be a possible untapped resource for Bauxite, Coal, thick-legged offensive linemen, and lots of people that have been pissed at each other for centuries.

4) Saban sees USC as the Roman Empire: He desires Alabama to be feared like the relentless Hun empire who played a part in the Roman Empire’s demise. Emperor Theodosius II is quoted as saying “You never want to battle the Huns, they try to dominate you with every disemboweling” and General Augustus Tubervilius once said “Those Huns scare me almost as much as my Board of Trustees”

5) Recruiting, Recruiting, Recruiting: As Attila plundered cities during his military campaigns he enlisted scores of recruits , this is pretty the only way Saban wants to travel.

6) Its All About the Process: The Process is all about people and execution, and Attila’s process efficiently combined the two, with a healthy dose of archers on horseback.

7) Education: Believe it or not, we’re an education institution here! Referencing an ancient Emperor is a lot more educational-like than saying Git-R-Done or ‘that running back was like Neo in the Matrix’.

ESPN’s Mark Schlabach picked Alabama’s 2008 schedule as the 9th best in the country, only the second best in our fair state though, as the Troy Trojans one-upped us with their annual bloodletting that includes LSU, Ohio State and Oklahoma “I’m a man, I’m 40” State.

This is as good as it gets, endless promise, no losses, no mistakes. Let us drink the Crimson Koolaid all week until we pass out into sugar comas. Mainline it into my veins as these long rainy gray days have sapped my strength.

*WILL, JACK, SAM and MIKE? our linebacking positions sound like a boy-band lineup, whatever happend to good ole ILBS and OLBS. If these freshmen that can grasp whatever this JACK and WILL shit mean, they posses more mental acumen than most Valedictorians and I submit to you they may be able to calculate protein folding in their brains.