Time to bury the ole Kool Aid Man… Between CBS Sports, ESPN Gameday, and the Bammers tailgating here and there, I believe I heard Kool Aid mentioned 738 times last weekend, AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT US, a lackluster near-nailbiter against an unranked opponent with big ole K’s on their helmet. Its time to move on to a new drink, Alabama. And I have just the cure, or several cures:

Wild Irish Rose:
Wild Irish Rose exists at a level only barely above Prison Toilet Hooch, so you could make a case for some other rotgut like MD 20/20 or Thunderbird, but Wild Irish Rose just sounds way fucking cooler.  I can already hear Saban cry “Get outta my trash and quit drankin the Wild Irish Rose you enthusiastic assholes!” or “You’re creating the opportunities for your large intestine to cause you lots of problems.”

Crimson Sparks:
This gives you both the bad ideas, and the energy to carry them out. Dangerous out in the open field. Each can of Sparks is a loaded weapon of sugar-coma and alcohol poisoning in brightly colored mortar shell casing, we’ll have to get them to start making red version of it though. A legion of bammers with orange tongues just WILL NOT WORK.

Fruit Punch:
Somethin for the Teetotalers, Quakers and kiddies out there, and a (relatively) healthy alternative, since it can contain some actual juices out of actual fruits.

Old Grandad:
Drinking this is a defensive struggle, no need for Saban to worry about us drinking this every day of the week. Straight from the veins of Ken Stabler, the choice drink for babysitters, security guards and bus drivers, if this can’t get you through an off week, nothing will. You can even have conversations with the dude on the bottle about good-ole-day shit like Frank Thomas and Xen Scott.

Pom:
What could be more powerful that a horde of our brothers and sisters of the Tide in the throes of fierce Pomegranate addiction. And who wouldn’t love to hear Saban go “You all need to be drinking less of that Pomegranate juice, aight?”

The Blood of Babies:
Probably my favorite alternative, the fucking Blood of Babies! We will be blessed with youth, energy, and the ability to shit constantly. Baby blood also covers up wine stains on your carpet and makes a great secret ingredient in that big pot of Gameday Chili.

Also:
Check this over-the-top tailgate truck, I almost expected it to turn into a robot and start leading cheers