Early Rounds

For the first time in a while, we’ve got a few different prospects that have a shot at a first round pick, and the second round is nothing to sneeze at. But I will probably sneeze at it, since I sneeze at everything this time of year.

Rolando McClain
Intestines be damned (or not), Rolando looks to get a good paycheck. It would be a pretty big suprise to see him drop very far into the first round, and he might even be inline for a top 10 pick. Shittier team, but what a paycheck, *jingles cup filled with change* We’ve always loved you Ro! *adjusts dual eye-patches*
BEST FIT: Broncos. Lining up next to Elvis Dumervil, in the shadows of the Rocky Mountains and John Elway car dealership billboards, Rolando could thrive. I know the air is thin, but Ro don’t need air. Coach Josh McDaniels has a Saban-esque asshole streak, so his college experience can help him avoid the doghouse that still reeks of the Brandon Marshall Experiment.
WORST FIT: Oakland. Right now, the Raiders are a graveyard of talent and a cesspool of bad attitudes, AND their defense isn’t really that bad.

Terrence Cody
The Round Mound of abandon-the-run has a decent chance of getting a call during the first day. If he lands on a team crazy enough to put in the Cody package on offense, that would be so fucking awesome, and I would literally shit all over myself if he ever does the Lambeau Leap.
BEST FIT: Pittsburgh. What other team than the Steelers could use everyone’s favorite quarter-ton of smiles? After the Rape-this-burger fiasco, who better than Cody to deliver a little joy and sunshine? Pittsburgh has been known to basically redshirt many of their rookies, and there’s only so much you can do with a 400 pound college student. A couple of years in the NFL’s fitness gauntlet could turn him into a monster. Miami or the NY Jets would be solid destinations too.
WORST FIT: San Diego might be a good fit long term, but he’ll probably be asked to step in before he is ready. And any 4-3 defensive team would be a fucking disaster, but I predict zero chance of that happening, unless he is accused of giving babies aids in the next few hours, in which case the Cincinnati Bengals will probably draft him.

Kareem Jackson
Ice Kareem has bolted up on the ‘experts’ draft boards, whether this translates too an actual first day pick will be pretty interesting. Sometimes those dudes are right, and then sometimes the motherfucking Draft Advisory Board is right, which graded him as a second round pick. He gave Alabama 3 years of very solid cornerback play, while never really getting that ‘ballhawk’ reputation you expect from 1st round corners.
BEST FIT: Vikings, Cowboys, any of the teams with a good pass rush and struggling defensive backs might be a good fit.
WORST FIT: Buffalo, nobody wants Ice Kareem when its THAT cold, damn! Build a dome you yuks!

Javier Arenas
The most exciting player at Alabama since Tyrone Prothro. He would be a surprise in the first round, but a nice pickup for a team that wants depth at DB and a return man.
BEST FIT: I’m gonna say the Tampa Bay Bucs. Why? Javier hails from Tampa, If you’ve ever heard the dude talk smack, he was born a Buccaneer.
WORST FIT: St. Louis, I’m just saying this, because he might be good enough to start there, only to get torched time and time again, the Rams have been pretty horrible for a while. Also, Rams have nothing to do with St. Louis, rams are out west, quite possibly one of the more inappropriately named franchises this side of the Utah Jazz. (I just vomited in my mouth)

Mid Rounds – Undrafted Free Agents

OK dudes, sorry you are probably not getting phone calls before Saturday, barring some serious string of NFL war room brain aneurysms. STILL, you might end up in better situations, and you might even end up on that HBO reality show! Fuck Yeah!

Colin Peek
I dunno, were it not for injuries and the mid-season McElroy skeet shoot, I’d have pegged Colin higher. Not much love for the Peekinator, But he’s still got a shot.

Brandon Deaderick
Steps into player development office sometime in August:
TEAM DUDE: “Sorry Brandon, it’s not working out”
BD: “You guys are cutting me?”
TEAM DUDE: “Yeah man, it’s a numbers thing, You OK, you handling this alright?”
BD: “Dude, I got shot in the morning, went and beat up Virginia Tech that afternoon, and Nick Saban was yelling at me the WHOLE FUCKIN TIME. I think I can handle this bullshit. I’ll just head down the road and find some place that wants some real men on their defensive line”

Leigh Tiffin
His kickoffs and embarrassing coverage skills might keep him from sticking on a team. But my hats off to the guy for sticking with it after that gut wrenching Arkansas game to become a dependable field goal man. You’re a better man than me.

Roy Upchurch
Mr. Everything: special teams, blocking, running, receiving, recovering from god damn painful neck injuries, running over blockers, beating booger eaters. If John Parker Wilson can catch on with the Falcons, an injury free Upchurch should catch on somewhere, or I will lay my vengance upon thee.

Who the Fuck is Florida?
The University of Florida is a fucking state college with about 55 fucking thousand students, located in Gainesville, Florida. Florida has given us gifts like the comedian Todd Barry and has also been known to occasionally aim its Taser of Education on goofball conspiracy theorists.

Game of the Fucking Millennium!
Welcome United States! Ola Estados Unidos! This weekend’s football action has it ALLLLL. You don’t need jobs! You don’t need food! You probably don’t even need to God Damn breathe! You just need to sit your ass down and watch this SEC game this weekend.* Grab a sharpie, write your emergency contact information on your arm**, strap on your adult diapers, and sit that ice cold cooler full of borderline disgusting beer RIGHT IN YOUR LAP, this shit is going to blow up the entire fucking Earth!

Whats at Stake?
The Universities of Florida and Alabama, cherished havens of knowledge, are meeting for the Second time in two years in the battle over who actually has to give a shit about this bar:

Things to fucking watch out for:

A Big Letdown! Any game preceded by this much hype will be a letdown for somebody. If there are more than 2 droppped catches or any fumbles in the second half, get ready for a breakdown on how the offense is a bunch of disappointing finger puppets. If more than 20 points are scored, get ready to hear some old-timer tell you how nobody plays defense anymore. I think the only way this game could not end up a letdown, is if both teams left the field, grabbed explosives and blew up every fucking Chick-Fil-A in the Greater Atlanta area.

Eye-black Bible verses bursting the fuck out of your television! I’m thinking on Saturday we might see Tebow drop some Deuteronomy 23:2, it reads “one of illegitimate birth shall not enter the congregation of the Lord”. This would be a subtle but Lordly insult aimed at all those bastard referees.

Nick Saban tearing up equipment! Nick Saban has been known to get all DRUNK HULK on us when he gets angry. I mean, if you demand perfection and get dumb penalties in the red zone something has to pay, preferably something replaceable and that doesn’t feel pain. I wonder how many back-up headsets he has, he probably carries them around like David Banner has to carry around extra shirts and purple pants.

Fucking Airports
What do the Florida Swamp Lizards and the our hated rival, the Auburn Department of Defense Birds of Prey have in common? They have commercials featuring alumni greeting each other in CRAAZY places with their slogan. In other news, everyone not from your school thinks you look like a tool when you do this***.

In Conclusion
Prediction: Game winning two point conversion by Terrence Cody.

* Stick your nose down there and take a DEEEP BREATH America! Commit it to memory. If you have tits, commit it to Mammary. The rules of the Geneva Convention will not be enforced! HIP HOP too boring? Play some METAL! Is Metal too cheesy? Play some CLUB SHIT! Is club shit too gay? Play some PUNK! Is punk too dead? Play some SURF! Too far away from the ocean? Play some BLUEGRASS! no grass on the field? DON’T PLAY BALL!

** and be sure to write your email address on your baby, if needed

**This is possibly acceptable at the airport sports bar, where people are too busy staring at their overpriced styrofoam cup of beer. And, I’m sure there’s some dumb Alabama commercial that does the same thing, but I haven’t seen it yet, so feel free to zinger me with that, you fucking haters.

One thing that scares me is this quote from Nick Saban: “The guys that have had it, we have quarantined, kept in isolation so that they would not spread it to other guys” In isolation? Like fucking solitary confinement? I picture a dark windowless room with a thick layer of snot on the walls. Where an orderly slides a glass of orange juice through a small opening, only to have Terrence Cody slap it away in disgust.

PS, I find no mention that the players have Swine Flu, or H1N1, though everyone seems to be assuming that. Arm yourself with the Facts people!

Who the Fuck is Florida
Florida is a school of 52,000 motherfuckers located in Gainsville, Florida. The university is named after the state where old people go to die and Canadians go to drive bad. House guru Bob Vila is a Gator, he was the undisputed renovation sensei until that metrosexual Ty from Extreme Home Makeover started rebuilding entire fucking neighborhoods.

“I will fuck your shitty bammer houses up if my Gators lose”

Welcome to the Fucking SEC Title Game
A solid defense, Imploding rival programs, top notch newcomers, and unreal injury luck has bammers planning a December Atlanta invasion for the first time since 1999, when most current UA students were teetotaler virgins aspiring to be like the lead singer from Sugar Ray.

Who can forget the 2005 game? The 31-3 victory prematurely propelled Bama into Backness, but apparently not really Back, only ‘sortof Back’. With a win Saturday, Bama will silence all the haters with the Sounds of True Backness. I’ll always remember that game because later than night I had my tamborine taken away from me at the bar (and no that’s not some obscure euphemism).

Two Fucking Words: Terrence Cody
To beat the Urban Peninsula Lizards, Cody will have to be disruptive. We know the big man in the Middle has weaknesses, his kryptonite is apparently Ole Miss offensive linemen flying into his leg, but he also has his “Popeye Spinach”, and we happen to have a jug or two.

The Tide is a Big Fucking Underdog
The No. 1 team in the country is an underdog on a neutral site! Fucking Unprecedented! You’re going to have to wait until Saturday to find out if this is just a love affair with Tim Tebow and his speedsters or a case of the best team having more losses. But, as for the Official Tower of Bammer Opinion on the Matter, we’re going to hand it over to our correspondent Walter Sobchack, who is reporting from the bowling alley:

Why We are Fucked
They have played batshit insane since losing to Ole Miss. Florida’s offense has always been good under Urban Meyer, but the defense has been very solid, looking more like the National Championship 2006 squad that last years. Florida has 15 players on the roster that can run faster than the speed of sound and Tebow can crush buildings with his meaty man-paws.

Why They are Fucked
Defensively, Alabama conceivably can match up well with the Gators. Offensively it will be important to shorten the game with the “Ground Coffee” attack. While the Percy Harvin cankle injury has gotten more headlines, the difference maker could be the absence pf linemen Brandon Antwine and Matt Patchan, which could help out the beefy Bama line, which has to dominate for the Tide to have a chance.

In Fucking Conclusion
If Bama wins, I beg thee to riot.

“It’s still a big hole with him gone”

Josh Chapman, commenting on the Massive Nose Tackle’s injury, and also possibly the goatse guy

In the aftermath of another middling second half performance. We can only hope this hole gets filled, and QUICK, before we turn into a creme-filled cutely-sprinkled cupcake and get dropped off at some Volunteer’s house!

The word is that The Legend of Terrence Cody’s wonderful ligaments are intact, so we may see him back in action next month. We are wishing you well, but you must be strong and resist the temptation of those delicious cupcakes (as we all must).

as you can see, the ligament is still there

Are we that good, or are they that bad?
With a sample size of 1, it is very hard to know for sure if our dominance last night was due to skill on our part, or if Clemson’s cup of ineptitude runneth over. But make no mistake, it was dominance, and a flavor of dominance that is usually reserved for deer-in-headlights small schoolers, not a top 10 team with an offensive backfield stacked with pro-level talent.

C.O.D.Y.
Christmas has come early for Alabama, my brothers and sisters, and Santa has brought us a 360 lb defensive lineman with tree-trunk arms and the quickness of a rabbit. Terrence Cody caused severe cases of pant-soiling and teeth-gnashing in the Clemson offensive line, sometimes commanding a TRIPLE team. After some intense calculations and some complex Pythagorean computations, i have discovered that if it takes 3 of their motherfuckers to deal with ONE of your motherfuckers, you have a 146% better chance to leave your football games with a shit-eating grin on your face.

Tiders in the NFL:
Wallace Gilberry was released by the Giants on Saturday (though he’ll probably stick on the practice squad), leaving Simeon Castille as the only Class of 07 Bammer to make the roster on an NFL team. Good luck Simeon, and don’t hang out with Chris Henry, that motherfucker is trouble. Speaking of the Bengals, Ocho Cinco’s Wikipedia page is now a great read.