Andre Smith
Cincinnati Bengals

The sixth overall pick seemed to be a foregone conclusion to most Bengal fans. Reactions were mixed, but for the most part positive:

“hopefully he just doesnt leave a game at half time and not tell anyone”

One Cincy fan says that Andre’s family reminds him of the Klumps. “Hercules! Hercules!”

“typical bengals first rd. gaffe. smith is a fat @ss with a a bra size that makes morganna jealous. monroe was the more solid pick at that point. he’ll spend a year or two as a turnstyle at LT before they move to G. we essentially picked an overwieght, immature guard with the sixth pick of the draft. hell, if you didn’t like monroe at that pick you may as well took crabtree instead of some buffet wrecking, bust-in-waiting.”

“A++! Would draft again!. No we just need to trade Chad’s bitch ASS!”

Most reactions were realistic though, such as these two:

“Andre Smith was THE pick there. No doubt. Wouldnt look back. I really dont even care if he ends up at RT. 3 years of dominance, dude is ready to do what you need him to do in the NFL. He doesnt go down, he gets his hands on a defender and they dont get away.”

“Who cares if Smith ends up a RT. The Bengals drafted Willie Anderson at #10 to be a RT and that worked out pretty good. You need two tackles to tango and we landed the best overall talent at the OT position the draft had to offer. The only reason he wasn’t the top is because his decision making wasn’t great in January.”

After lurking in the Bengal’s blogs, rumor is that HBO’s pre-season team-jinxing show, Hard Knocks, has selected Cincinnati as the team they’ll be following this year. So we get to see how Andre handles the pressure of being a first rounder in the ballet.

Glen Coffee
San Francisco 49ers

In a pick that was a pretty big surprise, the 49ers grabbed Glen in the 3rd round. In true San Francisco style, they grabbed him right in his chaps.

One Commenter Says “Andre Brown still on the board and we take Coffee? That guy wasn’t even the best back on his college team.”

“Well than they just pulled an Al Davis and drafted a guy at least 2 full rounds to early while leaving much more talented RB’s on the board.”

Not everyone in San Fran is upset with the Coffee pick, they see alot of upside. What’s funny is that there seemed to be quite a few reactions like this, “Not picking Darius Butler and Rashad Johnson will haunt us.” Niners fan’s calls for Rashad were scattered all over the boards, only to see their rival in Arizona scoop him up.

Antoine Caldwell
Houston Texans

The Texan fans seem to be happy with this pick, remember, this is a team that let their QB get sacked 76 times once.

Rashad Johnson
Phoenix Cardinals

Kind of a weird pick, with Adrian Wilson and Antrel Rolle pretty firmly entrenched at safety. But this fan tries to make sense of it: “The Cards have tended to draft positions they felt could become a “need” a season or two in the future. Considering Johnson’s addition to the Cardinals, does this indicate the Cardinals intention to let Rolle test the FA market after this season?”

Once again, it’s a mixed bag of reactions. “Overall this may end up being the smartest pick of the draft for the Cardinals. Also sounds like they got a steal for the end of the third round.” And conversely, “A safety and now a corner? we just upgraded corner via free agency, we have our starters there. is whiz thinking we can get sacks with the front 7 we have if the coverage can last longer?”

John Parker Wilson
JPW landed in Atlanta as a free agent, where he’ll go to camp and compete with DJ Shockley and Chris Redman for a backup spot.

Overall, this was the best draft class that Alabama has had in a long time. Nick Saban now has something to point at to incoming recruits who want to make it to the pro-level. Hell, word is that Saban’s efforts kept Andre in the top ten and elevated Rashad into the 3rd round. It’s not hard to imagine that we can look forward even more successful drafts in the near future.

Several Alabama players will have their 69 Boyz ringtones at the ready during the NFL draft this Saturday, repeatedly cursing every unknown number they get a call from. The Tide’s 2008 draft class was legendary in all the wrong ways, with no names getting called and (unless I missed something) no 2008 guys even making it on rosters as free agents.

Andre Smith
4th OT (NFL Draft Countdown)
WalterFootball has him ranked as the 63rd player overall (!)
Mock Drafts: Don Banks 6th to Bengals, Todd McShay 7th to Raiders
In Case you forgot about Andre’s missteps, well they replayed all the shit during the A-day telecast, and they’ll replay it again at least 11 times on ESPN and the NFL network. I’m convinced its on a permanent loop at one ESPN engineer’s workstation. Before his bacon grease slathered screwups, Andre had a chance to be Alabama’s first number one overall draft pick since Harry Gilmer in 1948.

Rashad Johnson
3rd Safety (NFL Draft Countdown)
Rashad has had a storybook career, going from walk-on running back to defensive field general. Rashad is likely the number one safety for several teams, but they rarely pick safety’s in the first round, especially small ones.

Antoine Caldwell
5th Center (NFL Draft Countdown)
Caldwell is in the upper-middle of the pack in a year of solid centers, but I believe his attitude, intelligence and versatility give him an excellent shot at sticking with an NFL team.

Glen Coffee
12th RB (NFL Draft Countdown)
Either because of his family’s financial need, the rebuilding Tide offensive line, Pat Robertson’s 700 Club, or the highly anticipated Trent Richardson arrival, the time seemed right for Coffee to percolate into the NFL.

John Parker Wilson
15th QB (NFL Draft Countdown)
A solid Senior Bowl and combine may get him drafted on the second day. Likely you’ll hear the entire state of Alabama groan if he gets selected, but he’s not supposed to beat out Tom Brady or anything, he really has the qualities an NFL team would want for a third string QB.

Travis McCall
21st Tight End (NFL Draft Countdown)
McCall’s blocking puts him on the map at the same time he knocks other people off theirs. While he’ll probably end up a free agent, with the proliferation of the spread, he has the advantage of coming from a pro style offense and has been used often in the H back role.

Nick Walker
You hear surprisingly little about Alabama’s second leading receiver. The guy got into some great shape after the 2006 season to become an excellent receiving threat, and my crimson colored glass don’t remember him being a liability blocking. I’d love to see him on a team with an accurate QB like Peyton Manning or Drew Brees, but he’ll have to hope he gets picked up as an undrafted free agent.

Load up the rifles and leave the deer urine at home, cause it’s open season on former Tide lineman Andre Smith!
His 2009 missteps has incurred the wrath of NFL pundits and the legion of bored internets, and much has been made of how much money he will lose and how far he may fall. Last December Smith was routinely mentioned as one of the top 3 players expected in the NFL draft, and probably would have been invited to sit at the top prospect table at the draft, with ESPN and NFL Network cameras buzzing around him and attempting to trip each other. BUT Smith made 2 mistakes, a confusing exit from the NFL Combine before workouts, and running shirtless through the Hank Crisp Indoor Practice Facility.

To Keel a Mockingbird
Smith’s Agent, Alvin Keels, may deserve a share of the blame. It was known before the combine that Smith was not going to work out at the combine, but it was not communicated properly. An agent should have at least some ideas about the communication necessary during an event as scrutinized as the NFL Combine. Keels is only 28 and relatively new to the game and his Global Management Group’s highest profile clients might be Chief’s running back Larry Johnson (Arrested 4 times for assault against women, Keels and Johnson parted ways in the middle of last season after his most recent trouble) and Washington DB DeAngelo Hall (often called MeAngelo, famous for his in game meltdown and tirade while on the Falcons). Global Management Group boasts 16 clients (with Andre Smith not even listed and Johnson still there), I guess that averages out to a little over 2 clients per continent.

Of course the blame ultimately falls on Smith though, not even Tom Condon and Mega-Agency CAA could have convinced him to keep working out through January, since he didn’t even pick an agent until Feb 11.

So how far will he fall?
According to mock drafts (which are about as scientific as medieval alchemy), not very far, unless you believe these guys. I think this hints at the fact that his ranking between each time will vary wildy. One of my favorite draft sites has him at 6 going to the Bengals. After seeing their quarterbacks bludgeoned and their running backs stuffed the past few years, and with Ocho Cinco on their team, are they really concerned about getting another borderline head case? He’ll likely be picked after Eugene Monroe and Jason Smith or The Blind Side darling Mike Oher. There will be some detractors, but many teams later in the first round are probably slobbering over a chance for him to drop.

And once he gets picked, the FUN HAS JUST BEGUN.
Everyone loves a storyline, so ESPN will skewer him like the lazy fat sociopathic run blocking baby murderer he truly is while working on pre production for an hour-long special about the kid that overcame the worst NFL Combine Performance Ever. Media personalities across the country starved for something to take a wet crap on will cry foul that NFL GMs didn’t have his tonails removed and his testicles electrocuted, and every missed block will unleash a tsunami of i-told-you-so’s.

The Bottom Line
1) The vast majority of NFL Offensive Linemen are fucking fat. If you like your sumo wrestlers lean and mean go take bong hits with Michael Phelps, linemen will always be large slightly unhealthy men that know how to avoid a salad.  2) The draft is a crapshoot, no matter what, the only thing garunteed is the economy altering contracts the first picks get, and Smith has already shit his way out of that, isn’t that punishment enough, angry internet man? 3) you’ll be hard pressed to find a linemen that has a body of work like Andre Smith, a body of work slathered in bacon grease, of course. 4) Andre has done what many NFL players take YEARS to do… aquire a legion of detractors and critics.

Who the Fuck is Utah
The University of Utah is located in Salt Lake City, which features scenic mountains, blue laws and religious underwear, sortof the exact opposite of Sugar Bowl hosting New Orleans. Salt Lake City is also home of the the NBA team they stole away from New Orleans, whose “Utah Jazz” nickname currently makes no fucking sense.

Utah grad Nolan Bushnell founded Chuck E. Cheese, where people like Nick celebrate their birthday

Smitty Fucking Suspended
After one of the best run-blocking seasons you will ever see by an offensive lineman, the Outland Trophy winning Andre Smith is suspended because of contact with an agent, possibly a secret agent, she might even be really hot. I’ll never forget Smith’s signing day, when he sat down at a table with USC and LSU caps, Alabama hat alarmingly absent, only to quickly pull out a hidden Houndstooth bong from his pants like a prison shank and take a monster toke that filled his high school gym with a green nausea-inducing fog, “I’m going… to… Alabama” he croaked. Maybe everyone should have seen this coming, with his signing day full of such subterfuge and irresponsibility.

Why We are Fucked
The Utes will line up former freshman All-American Defensive End Paul Kruger against Smith’s replacement, and shutdown corner Sean Smith will be lined up against Bama’s only fucking receiving threat, Julio Jones. If its a close game, all our crimson-clad brother’s and sisters will be wishing foot-rashes and toe-fungus upon kicker-punter “King” Louie Sakoda, who, unlike most kickers, does not have a voice-mail box full of curses and violent homosexual innuendo.

Why They are Fucked
The Tide brings the nations #3 defense led by 2 All-Americans, and will be the toughest test the Utah spread has faced all year. On offense, Coach Mac, thanks to his advanced powers of precognition, has been successfully running the ball to the right side during the past few games, to practice up the absence of Andre Smith. I know many Bammers bowels percolate at the thought of JPW locking eyes with a capable ball-hawk like Utah’s Sean Smith, but the QB has faced several top-notch defensive backs in his improved 2008 campaign including Kentucky’s Trevard Lindley, Georgia’s Asher Allen, Florida’s Joe Haden, MSU’s Derek Pegues and Tennessee’s Eric Berry and only thrown one interception to that whole crew.

And Finally, they are fucked because Alabama is not here to make Friends: