ESPN Unleashes Brutal Bristol Connecticut Voodoo Powers!

The World Wide Leader, the modern Roman Empire, has finally turned to the forces of darkness in their inherent anti-SEC bias [cue up B-roll of Todd Blackledge eating barbecued toe of frog]

ESPN the Magazine is a blasphemous version of the TV sports network that travels via mail to satanic dentists offices and witch doctor waiting rooms worldwide. ESPN the Network provides important coverage of sporting events in glistening high definition, while scrolling piping hot numerical coverage on the bottom of the screen, but Holy Hells did they really have to stick a needle in Big Al’s eyeball?? At first I thought it might be acupuncture and they were doing an expose on shady homeopatchic ligament treatments, but I don’t think acupuncturists stick needles right in your eyeball.

Look ad the Dog! Will poor lil Uga IX last the whole season, you know how fucking hot he looks out there in the Athens sun?? Did LSU get off easy?? I suspect Rece Davis just took a dump on the Ole Miss black bear and tossed it down a Bristol, Connecticut alleyway, hate to pile on right at the beginning of the Hugh Freeze era, but Rece gets that twinkle in his eye and you know he’s going to shit on something, and that something is going to be a cute little doll probably.

Can’t wait to hear what the ESPN Ombudsman has to say about allowing of black magic spells on the cover of a national magazine. Can’t wait to see David Blaine going levitate the Duke Blue Devils across the Grand Canyon. Cant wait to see Ozzy Osbourne drinks the blood of Steven A. Smith during Mike and Mike in the Morning. Can’t wait to see Lee Corso put on an actual horses recently decapitated head on at a Boise State gameday.

Could Prehistoric Alabama Have Dominated the Pangaea Conference???

Alabama, after dominating the SEC, the Country, and even the world. Could Alabama Football dominate pre-history??? Like even back when the conferences were all squished together before the modern era???

Several reasons have lead us to believe Alabama would not only succeed, but THRIVE:

1) Bear Bryant would have been an actual Bear

2) Serious gumpers would tailgate on a dinosaur adorned with crimson war paint and Shaun Alexander jerseys

3) There would be no accumulated human knowledge to cram into student-athlete’s heads (also, it would actually only be about the X’s and O’s, since that would be the whole alphabet)

4) The NCAA would not be formed for approximately 300 million motherfucking years

5) Prime recruiting area (unless Antarctica was the Florida/Texas of that era, rival.com website does not go back that far)

6) Team activities could include Mammoth hunting

7) After Mammoth hunting the team could slide around in the miles of mammoth entrails, it would be like a really smelly sticky shit-smeared Six Flags park (maybe more like Busch Gardens???)

**Obligatory Good Mammoth Hunting quote: “How ya like dem apples??? How do you like them, really? I’ve never had fruit.”

8) With no stopwatches, the game clock would be a huge phallic sundial

9) Tommy Tuberville’s Pond-Canoe Gambler schtick would have never caught on, Aubs would have been like GTFO

10) Daniel Moore would make a perfect cave painter, he could be fed leftover mammoth

11) The fight song would be so advanced, it would sound like stepglitch dubgrind or whatever, striking fear in the hearts and ear-anuses of everyone

12) I did have a 12 but someone installed a mountain line on my computer wtf??!

Holographic Coaching Legend Makes Special Appearance For Spring Game

Hologram Bear Bryant, in the form of a digital, gravelly voiced phantasm, made a special appearance at A-Day, coaching the White team to a brilliant 24 – 15 win on Saturday. He then wowed a crowd of thousands later that night by sharing the stage with none other than Snoop Dogg himself, performing his new single “My Wishbone Won’t be Denied”.

This was a really special moment, me and the fam really had no idea what was going on at first, our programs didnt mention this at all! The music started and lo and behold our favorite old coach in his baller-ass cap was up there rapping! His rhyming was smooth, and his Arkansas drawl filled the air with his lyrical gravy. The one bummer thing was that by the time me and the kids waddled over to the stage, the set was over.

Between the tornado last Spring and the Alabama fan putting his balls on the unconscious guys head, the Alabama nation needs all the positive vibes we can get, and Hologram Bear Bryant totally delivered. I will definitely be buying his album on iTunes!

Arkansas Coach Quits Job, Wears Davey Crockett Jacket, Criticizes Ex-Boss

(Ex-) Arkansas Coach Bobby Petrino, clad in a sweet looking Davey Crockett jacket and a long Wyatt Earp style grits-grabber mustache, quit his job as Arkansas Razorback head coach in legendary fashion Tuesday night, in front of a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant.

Petrino delivered a teary, emotional, profanity-laden speech in front of a Buffalo Wild Wings while an assistant revved up his new custom chopper. He started out with choice words for the Athletic Director’s sexual orientation, the Athletic Director’s preferred sexual positioning, the Athletic Director’s pug-like face, the Athletic Director’s ‘Greasy Granny’, and even called into account the structural integrity of  aforementioned grandparent’s undergarments.

He then lashed out at the local media, Fayetteville hair-cutting establishments, his neighborhood’s trash pick up days, and even the local sports bar trivia scene:

“These joker’s around here think Delta Burke was in Golden Girls, I need to move to a place that takes their bar trivia more seriously” – Former Arkansas Coach Bobby Petrino

Petrino then hopped on his chopper, tossed a wadded handful of hundred dollar bills into the air, and sped off in a trail of smoke.

Happy trails, Bob, we’ll never forget your entrance to last year’s SEC Media Days.

Let Me Tell You Something, Pendejo

Just a quick PSA and an excuse to post a Jesus Quintana picture, Tuscaloosa Abides next weekend.

Is Trent Richardson the next Latrell Sprewell???

Running back Trent Richardson opened many eyes today, regressing into his dangerous Florida Panhandlian ways during the Alabama Pro Day. He apparently knocked some dude down as people with foam shields attempted to contain his is reign of cartoonish violence. One of the dangers of declaring early for the draft, missing out on the senior level class Do Not Knock Down or Otherwise Assault Potential Employers.

One of the people he assaulted today was a “Scout”, probably working on his field turf badge, Trent may have also bludgeoned a Webelo and set fire to 11 boxes of Do-si-dos. The guy in the picture looks kind of old to be a scout. Didn’t know they welcomed non-traditional scouts, assume he wanted to get in touch with nature and maybe learn the art of leather-working.

Mr. Richardson was preparing for his (now ruined) pro career by attending this Pro Day. It’s like a job fair, but instead of handing you coffee cups and business cards, they make you do a 3-cone drill. Instead of tricking you to apply for some shitty telemarketing sales job, they trick you to play pro football in Buffalo or some fucking cold ass place like that. Players in Buffalo are known to be frozen solid by midseason, and don’t even thaw out until the next year’s training camp.

Top-level NFL Mentalist Roger Goodell has already weighed in:
“If padded shield things cannot protect us from our running backs, then what can? To make sure this league stays as safe as possible for me and my bros, we have decided that T-Money can’t play in the NFL. He should probably be crushing terrorism, or lifting Chryslers off of elderly people. Sorry T [chest thump peace sign], I’m out”

Signing Day Bamboo Salad Bowl Set + NSD Plans

Already taken off work for National Signing Day, ready to spend a day with my family, curled up next to the fire, huffing VCR cleaner, and watching athletic young high school men put on hats. If you squint your ears and listen hard, you can even here High School Audio Visual departments from around the nation creaking under the pressure of these hat choosings.

Might even buy a shitload of Guthries chicken finger boxes. I’ll eat the chicken fingers, use the crinkle cut fries to clean up the oilspill that’s slowly taking over my garage, and then I’ll take a nap in a pile of Texas toast and dream of 5-stars flipping from USC to Team Edward.

That’s why this National Signing Day Bamboo Salad Bowl set is so fucking sweet…

It comes with a fax machine, Guthrie’s chicken fingers and a wad of cash. The fax machine actually just hooks up to an ESPNU feed that purrs like a real fax machine, so you can pretend that you are actually in an athletic department, and you can even pretend that you don’t have a boner every time the thing starts to warm up.

I also can’t wait to have some company over and show them these rustic hand crafted salad bowls. Might even buy some of that Annies organic salad dressing I always see at the grocery store, they even have one made with bukkake mushrooms. OK, who am I kidding, as a true Alabama fan, my family has been running Wishbone salad dressing since 1970, typically the Thousand Island option.

Whats your favorite peice of Signing Day swag? Will Bobby Flay have a National Signing Day throwdown?

Current Mood: Excited (^_^)

Current Music: Keith Sweat

Rammer Jammer Remix

Fill The Air

 

Sad Bear Sniffing Bee makes his picks of the post-apocalypse!!!

Just burped up some North Face sweatpants and now I’m gonna sit in a dark room and listen to Coldplay

Been a sad week. Sniffing bees. :( :( :(

After Alabama lost I cried into my pillow for days and days, until it started to stink and I realized it was the carcass of a large LSU woman I accidentally mauled.

Thankfully I have the sweet pensive pipes of Chris Martin to make me feel like I have company in the world.

YOUR MORBID FASCINATION COMPELS YOU LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!
Nebraska 25
 Penn State 7
Whats worse that having 2 bad quarterbacks? Having 2 bad quarterbacks and a GODDAMN DEFCON 11 CHILD SEX ABUSE SCANDAL!!

Florida 24 South Carolina 27
Suggested Drink & Food pairing: Coors Light, Velveeta nachos, pants made of onion rings

Leprechaun in the Hood 21 Tower Heist 3

“Always Bet on Green”

Kent State 35 Akron 22
The BATTLE FOR THE WAGON WHEEL TROPHY! !

Navy 24 Southern Methodist 14
Like any self-respecting Southern Methodist I expect the Mustangs to roll out some casseroles and arm tackling (hooker murder optional)

Scarves 7 Sweat Pants 21


Vampire Burt Reynolds Says:
“I’m all sweat pants this weekend!”

Kentucky 3 Vanderbilt 7 (PICK THE OVER!!!)
This is your last pre-basketball chance to mock these teams straight up at one time… so get your shots in early!

Spaghetti used as Toothpaste 11 Milkshake used as Lube 14

Auburn 41 Georgia 53
Who has the endurance to win the Worlds Largest Outdoor Croakie Convention?

Alabama 34 Mississippi State -6