1. Can’t we just keep re-living 2009 forever?

I spent the last half of 2009 sleeping in a hastily assembled altitude tent, just so I could preserve that 2009 feeling as long as possible (via an increased red blood cell count). I’m conceivably looking at another month or two with that championship blood doing victory laps through my circulatory system.

But, to take the question to another level. Literally Re-living 2009 forever sounds like some sort of epic Groundhog’s Day type thing, and I’d need to make a big list of the good things and shitty things of 2009 to make sure I was making the best choice. I’m not just going to jump into a fucking TIME LOOP without proper research and preparation. Do I have to watch Avatar each year? I’m not sure I can endure the cliches and blue giant elf sex over and over.

2. Who’s the hardest player from 2009 to replace?

Long Snapper Brian Selman! As noted in our 2008 feature “stick your head behind your legs and kiss your long snapper” the long snapper is an integral part of a trouble-free special teams, like a high fiber diet and a nice regular gastrointestinal system. But if you subtract the few successful cogs from the 2007 – 2009 special team unit? I worry that kicking game buffoonery will be at an all high levels in 2010. Some Cirque du Soleil looking stuff going on. Beamer-ball in reverse. A plague of locusts.

3. Which player — or facet of the game — should we expect to make the biggest jump in 2010?

I’m gonna pick pass rush/defensive line play for the Tide’s 2010 improvement. Cody and Deaderick were great at swallowing running backs, but maybe next years line will be more balanced. I’m looking forward to seeing perpetual signee Kerry Murphy finally go all Drunk Hulk on some unsuspecting offensive lineman, and Marcel Dareus looks to be a force to be reckoned with.

4. Is there one aspect that concerns you going into 2010?

My #2 question kind of spilled over into this question’s scope. Other than #2 spillage, I’ll tell you what concerns me. The spirit of the Alabama Fan. The Big Al psyche. The last loss at Bryant Denny stadium (not counting the intra-squad A-day game, obv) was on Nov. 17, 2007, the  great Louisiana-Monroe debacle. Will game-day beer drinking and revelry be replaced by dirty needles and Portishead marathons? Will black be the next crimson? Will the Kool Aid pumps be shut down and melted down at the Nucor plant??

5. What is a reasonable expectation for 2010?

With a tough 2010 schedule looming, its possible this team could improve and still lose some games, the ball might not bounce the right way, the referee accidentally drop the people’s elbow on a linebacker. I think its reasonable to expect some of the best young whippersnappers in the conference to compete with each other and produce a solid, exciting team. I think repeat talk isn’t very realistic unless we see some Florida 2007 to 2008 level improvement. I reasonably expect to see some bone-headed calls and hear some hits that leave my balls bruised. I expect to see teams punt when they should go for it, because this is old school footbaw. BUT As for me, to hell with expectations. I am going turn on my oven, crawl inside, and literally bake in the warm glow of the BCS Championship and the Saints Super Bowl that now power my house.

Anyway, the adulations and congratulations have been rolling in nation-wide after such a great season. Everyone is looking to make a buck off it though. We’d like to highlight some of the weird championship cash grabs by those soulless corporations that make the world go round:

The Championship Blender! none of those Hamilton Beach pieces of shit for Bama fans. This one is perfect for grinding up crystal footballs when you want to make that *insert Mexican accent* special margarita on the rocks.

CSI Miami, the Complete Second Season: Bama is Back Yeaahh Edition. David Caruso sucks the cancer out of an elementary school teacher, Donates his spleen to the President, saves the greater Miami/Dade County area from a vicious fungal infection, and drop kicks childhood obesity out a 12th story window.

2010 BCS Championship Edition Paranormal Detector If you buy this, it’s probably a sign that you need to get your 2010 BCS Championship Edition Bullshit Detector fixed

“Champs Baby!” Baby Seat Rigged with Explosives does not seem safe, use with caution.

iPhone Covered in Dreamland Barbeque Sauce This is great and all, but I get better 3G coverage with my Verizon Droid covered in Dreamland Barbeque Sauce:

(ps, if you tell me that J-Lo was the actual wedding planner, I will stare at you with a blank look and empty eyes)

Also, a word from Kenny Powers:

Who the Fuck is Florida?
The University of Florida is a fucking state college with about 55 fucking thousand students, located in Gainesville, Florida. Florida has given us gifts like the comedian Todd Barry and has also been known to occasionally aim its Taser of Education on goofball conspiracy theorists.

Game of the Fucking Millennium!
Welcome United States! Ola Estados Unidos! This weekend’s football action has it ALLLLL. You don’t need jobs! You don’t need food! You probably don’t even need to God Damn breathe! You just need to sit your ass down and watch this SEC game this weekend.* Grab a sharpie, write your emergency contact information on your arm**, strap on your adult diapers, and sit that ice cold cooler full of borderline disgusting beer RIGHT IN YOUR LAP, this shit is going to blow up the entire fucking Earth!

Whats at Stake?
The Universities of Florida and Alabama, cherished havens of knowledge, are meeting for the Second time in two years in the battle over who actually has to give a shit about this bar:

Things to fucking watch out for:

A Big Letdown! Any game preceded by this much hype will be a letdown for somebody. If there are more than 2 droppped catches or any fumbles in the second half, get ready for a breakdown on how the offense is a bunch of disappointing finger puppets. If more than 20 points are scored, get ready to hear some old-timer tell you how nobody plays defense anymore. I think the only way this game could not end up a letdown, is if both teams left the field, grabbed explosives and blew up every fucking Chick-Fil-A in the Greater Atlanta area.

Eye-black Bible verses bursting the fuck out of your television! I’m thinking on Saturday we might see Tebow drop some Deuteronomy 23:2, it reads “one of illegitimate birth shall not enter the congregation of the Lord”. This would be a subtle but Lordly insult aimed at all those bastard referees.

Nick Saban tearing up equipment! Nick Saban has been known to get all DRUNK HULK on us when he gets angry. I mean, if you demand perfection and get dumb penalties in the red zone something has to pay, preferably something replaceable and that doesn’t feel pain. I wonder how many back-up headsets he has, he probably carries them around like David Banner has to carry around extra shirts and purple pants.

Fucking Airports
What do the Florida Swamp Lizards and the our hated rival, the Auburn Department of Defense Birds of Prey have in common? They have commercials featuring alumni greeting each other in CRAAZY places with their slogan. In other news, everyone not from your school thinks you look like a tool when you do this***.

In Conclusion
Prediction: Game winning two point conversion by Terrence Cody.

* Stick your nose down there and take a DEEEP BREATH America! Commit it to memory. If you have tits, commit it to Mammary. The rules of the Geneva Convention will not be enforced! HIP HOP too boring? Play some METAL! Is Metal too cheesy? Play some CLUB SHIT! Is club shit too gay? Play some PUNK! Is punk too dead? Play some SURF! Too far away from the ocean? Play some BLUEGRASS! no grass on the field? DON’T PLAY BALL!

** and be sure to write your email address on your baby, if needed

**This is possibly acceptable at the airport sports bar, where people are too busy staring at their overpriced styrofoam cup of beer. And, I’m sure there’s some dumb Alabama commercial that does the same thing, but I haven’t seen it yet, so feel free to zinger me with that, you fucking haters.

Some sumbitches like to motivate with violence, but now in this day and age where you can barely get away with half-drowning heathen terrorists, so you’re surely not gonna get away with stapling “my whore momma dropped me” signs on the wide receivers every time one of those butterfingers lets the ball hit the dirt. So how do you motivate? Some folks think you ought to outright lie.

I was at Thanksgiving dinner many many years ago, and my grandma said, “You haven’t eaten anything yet!” and I said “Grandmaw, I just ate like 2 lbs of squirrel meat and all sorts of peas and carrots and stuff” and she said “There is still pumpkin pie left you scrawny shit!” and I said “are you telling me if I don’t eat that sugary sweet pie, I haven’t eaten ANYTHING? I hate to cloud the issue with fact, you old rat, but I already ate a mess of fine food.”

To me, thats what we’re telling the Alabama players if we tell them they ain’t won nothing yet. They won 12 dog gone games already, they’re not blind, they was there and sweated all over the place for every win! Thats like my grandmaw telling me I hadn’t ate any squirrel while my bowels were all a-fire with pain. All of a sudden everything my grandmaw ever said came into question. Did she really hunt all those squirrels or did she just throw a bucket of poisoned nuts in the backyard? Was it really an accident to drop that radio in the tub with Grandpaw Edsel? Did she really know that my sleeping bag in the barn was full of poison spiders?

Anyway, when your trying to motivate people with outright lies, you are doomed to failure! I’m sure Coach Perkins won’t be telling any horse shit to our players at the game in Birmingham this weekend, But if he tells those kids they ain’t won nothin, well, I hope he at least mumbles “…nothing big and shiny and football shaped” afterwards, to add a hair of truth to it.