ESPN Unleashes Brutal Bristol Connecticut Voodoo Powers!

The World Wide Leader, the modern Roman Empire, has finally turned to the forces of darkness in their inherent anti-SEC bias [cue up B-roll of Todd Blackledge eating barbecued toe of frog]

ESPN the Magazine is a blasphemous version of the TV sports network that travels via mail to satanic dentists offices and witch doctor waiting rooms worldwide. ESPN the Network provides important coverage of sporting events in glistening high definition, while scrolling piping hot numerical coverage on the bottom of the screen, but Holy Hells did they really have to stick a needle in Big Al’s eyeball?? At first I thought it might be acupuncture and they were doing an expose on shady homeopatchic ligament treatments, but I don’t think acupuncturists stick needles right in your eyeball.

Look ad the Dog! Will poor lil Uga IX last the whole season, you know how fucking hot he looks out there in the Athens sun?? Did LSU get off easy?? I suspect Rece Davis just took a dump on the Ole Miss black bear and tossed it down a Bristol, Connecticut alleyway, hate to pile on right at the beginning of the Hugh Freeze era, but Rece gets that twinkle in his eye and you know he’s going to shit on something, and that something is going to be a cute little doll probably.

Can’t wait to hear what the ESPN Ombudsman has to say about allowing of black magic spells on the cover of a national magazine. Can’t wait to see David Blaine going levitate the Duke Blue Devils across the Grand Canyon. Cant wait to see Ozzy Osbourne drinks the blood of Steven A. Smith during Mike and Mike in the Morning. Can’t wait to see Lee Corso put on an actual horses recently decapitated head on at a Boise State gameday.

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