North Texas at Alabama: F-Bombs and Greek Fire Upon You!

Ahh, it seems like just yesterday it was sweet sweet 2009 and the Alabama was rolling. Before the Malzahns had settled in and before Suits by Brooks was stalking running backs. I F-Bombed them back then and I will F-bomb those motherfuckers again.

Where the Fuck is North Texas??
One of the main interesting things about North Texas is their Geography. Being the Texas that’s above Texas, they have a lot of unique featurettes. The land of the “North Lone Star State” is very flat and gets pretty fucking cold in the winter, their cowboys have husky dogs, and they favor a strong lager over high-octane whiskeys. They even put sauerkraut on their fajitas.

North Texas borders no foreign contries, but they still keep an armed militia stationed on their southern border, where they will harass Nebraskan motorists who appear to be suffering from mild dehydration. They like basketball and bratwurst way more than you’d imagine, but they still make fun of Oklahoma (like there is any appreciable difference).

North Texas Border Patrolman: Chuck Rombo

Fucking Vampires (Sick of them sucking my blood folks!!)
Texas State Alum Anne Rice wrote the erotic mid-life crises vampire fiction ‘Interviews with Vampires’ trilogy, paving the way for things like Twilight, Twilight porn parodies, and even the hit Fox show Bones. Mitch Albom even cites it as a chief influence in his Tuesday’s w/ Morrie mid-life crisis book.

 


Here you can see the vampire girl in Bones is about to eat the ear of that dude (pretending its shashimi), with soy sauce and ginger to clear the palate (not sure if by ginger I mean the root, or she vampire ate a redhead person).

Fucking Schoolhouse Rock!
Musician Bob Dorough went to North Texas, he wrote a shitload of the Schoolhouse Rock songs. For yall too young to know, Schoolhouse rock taught kids stuff like grammar, math, and how to roll fat blunts that shoot out ‘number smoke’.

The Mean as Shit Green
Their mascot is an eagle dude (much like Alabama, it is hard to personify a color/state of mind/oceanic phenomena), but their real name is is the “Mean Green”, they got this name by wearing green stuff and doing really awful-spirited criminal acts on undeserving victims. The entire campus has been thrown in jail for unnecessary meanness, and in the 1980s Queen Elizebeth flew from England to wag her finger at them in disapproval. Here is a short history of notable mean-ass events:


Now that all this Evil has come to light, I honestly hope North Texas gets slaughtered now. I feel like those are all sorts of things that could happen to me. Maybe Alabama is fighting the good fight, trying to bring friendliness and joy with their big hits and spin moves! Maybe some of those holding penalties will be Alabama trying just, you know, be cool among fellow athletes with some brotherly jersey grabs???

Q: Does North Texas have their own fucking QB Coat of Arms?

A: Didnt Think So

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