I’m worried about a dickish comet interrupting the SEC West schedule next year by crashing into the earth and destroying it into a gazillion pieces, thereby leaving the SEC West race undecided before the epic highly anticipated Alabama LSU showdown.
What will President Morgan Freeman and President George Jefferson do about the earth getting blown up??
Rising concerns that fictional presidents will hitch rides with aliens leaving SEC fans holding their dicks.
As a precautionary measure, all future SEC games should be moved to the creatively named but very top secret Moon Stadium. Les Miles could chew on moon-rocks and everyone could feast on low gravity jambalaya! (might even get blitzed on some real moonshine). Tailgating would be fine since LSU fans dont need oxygen, and Alabama fans already got their own portable tanks.
Some adjustments might have to be made, like punting would be illegal and the field would need to be 300 yards long. Whistles might not work with no air though, might need another way to let everyone know that the play is over (maybe using mass emails). Hmm, speaking of that, should refs even be allowed air?
Guess not, sorry zebras better be ready to do some David Blaine breath-holding shit!
Interestingly enough, SEC Football wouldn’t be the first big sport on the Moon, below is a photo of a young pre-sexting Tiger Woods warming up for the Moon Masters in 2006:
SO, back to the comet… did the Mayans predict this???
Were the Mayans homies w/ the Big 10? Are the Biggies behind all this since OSU got hosed and Michigan’s new coach is kinda boring…. are they just hitting the reset button on planet Earth?
Some evidence has linked the Mayans with the Big 10. In case you went to some little directional school, the Mayan were ancient bloggers that invented mexican food, magnets, and the triple double. They were early prognosticator of the coming space-catastrophe, blogging about it on stone, wood, papyrus and lava-covered virgins. They had a really old google calendar made of rocks, and new exclusive photographs dubiously revealed Big 10 logos are all over that fucker. Advanced Mayan math also explains how to fit 11 teams into a Big 10. Evidence is mounting that the Mayans and Big 10 are all bro’d up, but of course the Buckeye/Hawkeye run media doesn’t want you suspecting.
So what should you do?
- Be smart, if you see a comet, it is likely more scared of you than you are of it
- If an alien offers you bong hits and a ride to their home planet, take it, even if you are the prudish type or worried about getting tested at your job
- Don’t tell your kids “I got something important to tell yall when I get back”
- Carry a spray bottle around so if you see any dogs catching on fire you can put them out
- Make sure you stock up on water and space-suits