NCAA has Copernicus-like Revelation about Sports Agents

Much like Copernicus revolutionized science with his discovery that the Sun does not fucking spin around the Earth, the NCAA has recently discovered, in the beautiful tourney-bracket-littered hills of North Caroline, that sports agents actually revolve around young impressionable potential clients. These investigators showed amazing prowess and attention to detail, and even taking advantage of an autistic investigator (possibly under the influence of intense sensory altering drugs).

Here we see NCAA investigators questioning a suspicious smoking car suspected of being a free Escalade:

Here, NCAA investigators are checking out reports of impermissible trips and free dinners, while testing the water for nefarious traces of purple drank:

So, UNC, South Carolina, maybe even Florida, maybe motherfucking EVERY SINGLE FBS TEAM, is getting pinched with agent-related scandal. My scandal-ridden Alabama butthole puckers at the thought!

First response: UNC really!? With the SEC’s history of questionable characters and athletic department trash-bins littered with secondary violation citations, who would have thought the Tar Heels would be on the cutting edge of that?

Second response: Holy shit@! I hope none of Alabama guys are in on this. And if there were, I hope there are some sports agent corpses forever entombed in the cement underbelly of the new stadium expansion, quietly but painfully dispatched to the big corner office in the sky by a seedy vagabond mercenary based out of the Moon Winx Lodge.

Third response: How hard do we have to try to keep dudes from getting paid? Guess not hard enough!

Fourth response: If the agents form a big violent smarmy gang and develop Jeet Kune Do/Super Smash Brothers/UFC style abilities, would invisible bungee chord technology be needed, or would that just leave you dangling in the air while you get your ass whooped?

So, how will this play out?
Once all the good players in the Big Six conferences are disqualified, will the National Championship game feature Vanderbilt vs Northwestern? Will Hugo Weaving star in a Drew Rosenhaus bio-pic? Will Don Cheadle play Alvin Keels and turn it into a poignant underdog role?

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