The Tower of Bammer hosts the Crimson and White Roundtable, this strange week of baseball victories, conference-splosion 2010, and not much news in the Alabamaverse.
1. If you could pick one ex-Tide player up from the past (via Bill and Ted’s phone booth), to come in and shore up one of the 2010 team’s question marks, who would it be?
Alabama Man Dance: I’d take George Teague. Any group of defensive backs could always benefit from a guy that will literally rob a receiver right on the field.
TJ: How can the answer not be Lane Bearden. Fuck a street named after you, this guy has a hole at the local disk golf course bearing his name. And of course, there’s the awful punting that was on display at A-day. If there ever was a need for the most bad-ass punter in Bama history it would be now. Come back, Lane!
2. About the “Roll Tide” cheer after first downs: “Yay, more downs!”, or “Hmmm, this feels forced…”
Alabama Man Dance: It’t not as if the massive Bryant Denny stadium is facing any sort of a Roll Tide shortage, even during the Dubosiest of the Dubose years the roll tide cup still overfloweth. When the offense sucks it feels patronizing, and when the offense is rolling it feels unnecessary. It’s the cheer equivalent of the gold star every single kid gets on the kindergarten project.
TJ: I hate being the asshole in the section who refuses to do this stupid shit. But I make up for it by getting violently drunk and screaming on every defensive play till my throat is a bloody, bourbon-coated mess.
3. It’s been a while since we’ve seen that fiery Scott Cochran tell us to get our flu vaccine, what should his next commercial be?
Alabama Man Dance: If it has to be a public service announcement, I’d like to see him telling everyone to have their pets spayed or neutered while holding up a dog or cats hind quarters to remind everyone of what this entails. If he goes commercial, I’d make him the spokeperson and voice of a GPS unit that screams things like “It’s on like Donkey Kong today” when you park the car.
TJ: You know those new Old Spice commercials featuring President Comacho. Yeah. He would fucking murder that role.
4. When Urban Meyer finally decides to pursue his musical career and start the Acid Reflux Heart Attack Band, will Tim Tebow be able to join in playing mad drums, or will his pro career still be going strong?
Alabama Man Dance: I’ll buy Tim Tebow, age 39, after a pure Favrian series of unretirements, on the twilight of solid, if unremarkable NFL career, taking off to tour with Urban’s band. Urban, by this point, is a hellish creature, with leathery skin stretched tight and a pair of disturbing hawklike eyes. Their musical reunion culminating in an epic perfomance of Yakity Sax during a bowl game halftime show.
TJ: No way. Tebow is going into politics after leaving the NFL due to one too may concussions. Besides, Urban is going to have his final stroke in 2015 after losing the SEC east to Miami for the 2nd straight year.
5. Complete this sentence: ________ is going to ________ a lot of ________ this Fall.
Alabama Man Dance: Greg McElroy is going to grow a lot of red mustaches this Fall.
TJ: Alabama is going to lose a lot of assistant coaches after this Fall.