Who the Fuck is Florida?
The University of Florida is a fucking state college with about 55 fucking thousand students, located in Gainesville, Florida. Florida has given us gifts like the comedian Todd Barry and has also been known to occasionally aim its Taser of Education on goofball conspiracy theorists.

Game of the Fucking Millennium!
Welcome United States! Ola Estados Unidos! This weekend’s football action has it ALLLLL. You don’t need jobs! You don’t need food! You probably don’t even need to God Damn breathe! You just need to sit your ass down and watch this SEC game this weekend.* Grab a sharpie, write your emergency contact information on your arm**, strap on your adult diapers, and sit that ice cold cooler full of borderline disgusting beer RIGHT IN YOUR LAP, this shit is going to blow up the entire fucking Earth!

Whats at Stake?
The Universities of Florida and Alabama, cherished havens of knowledge, are meeting for the Second time in two years in the battle over who actually has to give a shit about this bar:

Things to fucking watch out for:

A Big Letdown! Any game preceded by this much hype will be a letdown for somebody. If there are more than 2 droppped catches or any fumbles in the second half, get ready for a breakdown on how the offense is a bunch of disappointing finger puppets. If more than 20 points are scored, get ready to hear some old-timer tell you how nobody plays defense anymore. I think the only way this game could not end up a letdown, is if both teams left the field, grabbed explosives and blew up every fucking Chick-Fil-A in the Greater Atlanta area.

Eye-black Bible verses bursting the fuck out of your television! I’m thinking on Saturday we might see Tebow drop some Deuteronomy 23:2, it reads “one of illegitimate birth shall not enter the congregation of the Lord”. This would be a subtle but Lordly insult aimed at all those bastard referees.

Nick Saban tearing up equipment! Nick Saban has been known to get all DRUNK HULK on us when he gets angry. I mean, if you demand perfection and get dumb penalties in the red zone something has to pay, preferably something replaceable and that doesn’t feel pain. I wonder how many back-up headsets he has, he probably carries them around like David Banner has to carry around extra shirts and purple pants.

Fucking Airports
What do the Florida Swamp Lizards and the our hated rival, the Auburn Department of Defense Birds of Prey have in common? They have commercials featuring alumni greeting each other in CRAAZY places with their slogan. In other news, everyone not from your school thinks you look like a tool when you do this***.

In Conclusion
Prediction: Game winning two point conversion by Terrence Cody.

* Stick your nose down there and take a DEEEP BREATH America! Commit it to memory. If you have tits, commit it to Mammary. The rules of the Geneva Convention will not be enforced! HIP HOP too boring? Play some METAL! Is Metal too cheesy? Play some CLUB SHIT! Is club shit too gay? Play some PUNK! Is punk too dead? Play some SURF! Too far away from the ocean? Play some BLUEGRASS! no grass on the field? DON’T PLAY BALL!

** and be sure to write your email address on your baby, if needed

**This is possibly acceptable at the airport sports bar, where people are too busy staring at their overpriced styrofoam cup of beer. And, I’m sure there’s some dumb Alabama commercial that does the same thing, but I haven’t seen it yet, so feel free to zinger me with that, you fucking haters.