An F-Bomb from my Death Bed
Yours Truly has been sick as shit lately with an acute case of Alabama Snotty Rockin Mountain Fever. I was comatose through the LSU game and I frequently awoke from fever dreams in the 3rd quarter relieved to see that Marquis Maze had not, in fact, had both his legs broke and his large intestine sucked out by Brandon Taylor. Here is a quick F-Bomb preview for all you people that bitch at TJ every weekend.

Oh Yeah, and Fuck the Starkvillains
When I’m not coughing up turtles made of pudding, I’m fucking wanting to KICK THE SHIT out of Mississippi State. In fact, I’m wanting to kick the dick of everyone that doesn’t want to kick the shit out of Mississippi State. I hate their Cowbells. I hate how I get all nervous about how many P’s and I’s I’ve used when I’m spelling Mississippi. God Dammit I’ve done it again. Fuck off. At least Ole Miss lets me leave off half the fucking state’s name.

The Croom Era No more
Dan’s Mullet* has the Starkvillains competing at a very high level, despite the fact the team practices and lives in fucking Starkville. He was supposed to replace Croom’s ill-fitted west coast offense** with the SPREAD, where they were going to be passing the ball up and fucking down highway 82, from the dumpsters of Columbus all the way down to the grape juice stained pews of Winona Baptist Church…

…Instead, Dan just bough a shitload of Apple Bacon Grease Butter spread and fed it to Anthony Dixon and stuck him in some paleolithic I-formation and told him to bust some faces and pistol whip some old people. There is no “I” in team boys, but there is an “Ate” in State. Some would call that summoning your inner Jackie Sherrill.

Why We Are Fucked
I’ll never forget the 2006 State game, which lingers like a blue jean crotch gasoline spill, when a 7-loss Bulldog squad comes to town and keeps the Tide offense out of the endzone, starting a 4 game November of failure. I also broke a tooth that weekend while eating barbeque and ended up with an infected gash in my hand. If we make Tyson Lee look like some second coming of Dan Marino I’m going to take out my brains and bake them in the fucking oven.

Why They Are Fucked
I think Alabama makes the lazy trip down Hwy 82 with title hopes in mind and the offense continues its uptrend. Our favorite QB Ginger McIncompletion looks like he could be on his way back to being Ginger McQuickStrike. And wildcat formation plays keep getting weirder and weirder, with some weird reverse pass, 4th down conversion, and a fake bad snap (that looked scarily like a real bad snap) during the LSU game.

The Fucking Conclusion
Tide fans like me need a rest for their weary hearts. With two heart-attack games in a row, we are ready to let the our butter-clogged arteries moved at a more syrup-like pace while we watch the other team down the road get annihilated. I cant take any more last second heroics. Any more Gary Danielson replay histronics. I want to see the Maroon team punting. I want to see Terrence Cody kidnap a MSU sorority girl and climb to the top of David Wade stadium as crop dusters attempt to spray him off.

*How the fuck can I make fun of Dan Mullen, he has yet to build the body of work that begs for balls-out fan scorn, ok put a billy ray cyrus hair-do on him

**Croom’s system, an oddity of sorts, was neither located on the west coast, nor an offense