Welcome Back Motherfucking Razorbacks
Nice to see you back hogs, its been a couple of years since you been in town. When you were here last, Darren McFadden and Felix Jones were going apeshit, everyone was telling me to buy real estate, and ole J.P. Banana Bangs hit Matt Caddell in the corner of the endzone to eek out Nick Saban’s first big SEC win. I actually went to the Bryant Museum the next week with Cousin ManDance, and in the Nick Saban section, all they had was a big Saban cut-out, and highlights from that Arkansas game on a TV playing on a loop, thankfully the Tide’s Mercenary Dictator has added to his highlight reel. I’m sure its now full of straw hats, Bulldog blackout paraphernalia and oatmeal cream pies, and if you say “the Snake sent me” they’ll take you to the specially commissioned Daniel Moore softcore porn room.

Ahh the Razrback returns!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Freckles McQuickstrike!
All offseason, the Question at Quarterback loomed huge. Your intelligent Bama fan sits there thinking, “I know he had that sweet TD against Auburn, but this kid’s ass was BEAT OUT BY SARAH JESSICA PARKER WILSON” *thumps self in dick*. But this red-headed kid from Texas comes in and throws like Drew Brees, punches like Mike Tyson, scrambles like eggs and putts like Tiger. I don’t think anyone expects him to go all season without some rough patches (of facial hair), but this is the first QB we’ve had since Brodie Bangs that can maybe go out and take over a game, and he’s got a far better team around him that Shula’s village of the ’00s. Just pray to your dieties and demons alike that McElroy’s elbows and knees aren’t constructed of Croyle brand glass or before long we’ll see Curt Cignetti out there squeezing JB Weld all over his joints.

Why We’re Fucked
The Hog-Tide game last year was far closer than the score, and Arkansas looks to be better this year, returning the same inept but large defense that gave the Tide some problems last year, and adding one of the best arms in college football. The guy attached to said appendage, Ryan Mallet, had a monster game against Georgia, with 10.5 yards per attempt, and he has yet to be picked off. Alabama’s pass defense has looked confused at times, featuring Lohan-like coverage breakdowns that leaves tracks of land open enough to fall under jurisdiction of the 1862 Homestead Act. The safety play has had its sketchy spots with Mark Barron sometimes simply reacting to everything (and he’s excellent at that, dont get me wrong) but a QB and Coach combo like Mallet and Bobby Petrino will turn missed assignments into huge plays.

Why They’re Fucked
Even though Ryan Mallet averaged a monster 10.5 yards per attempt, an (admittedly injury depleted) Hog D made Georgia’s beleaguered Joe Cox look like motherfucking Godzilla on a PCP rampage, averaging 15 yards per attempt and 1 touchdown pass for every 4 completions. Even if Arkansas gets Heisman trophy numbers from Mallet, they won’t win if they make McElroy and the Julio Jonas Bros. look like they’re playing a pop warner team. As well as defensive problems, Arkansawz offense also wilted down the stretch like a bag of geraniums in a cremation chamber, Mallet completed only 2 of 10 passes for 29 yards in the 4th quarter.

Soundtrack for the Fucking Weekend
How about “Bout ma Hog” by Evil Pimp, off his album “Devil Shit is What We Do”