Dont’a's Inferno: The Man with the Extra Apostrophe Thoroughly Punishes Your Offense

The Circle for Running Backs
Regular carriers of the round leathery loaf, I feel for you. You will likely find yourself stung by 1000 wasps. Infectious poisonous wasps. As the fever and boils spread across your body, an army of demons will soon pour forth from the large gate-like structure extending from your dangerously swollen man-sack. While the demons wreak havoc and violate all your special lady-freinds, visions of horrible things happening to all your family will dance before your eyes, with Tyler Perry playing both victim and torturer in a straight to DVD fever dream on a never-ending loop.

The Circle for Quarterbacks
You’ll find no bible verse adorned eye painters here, only black snow, bleak death, and violent hallucinogenic strains of chicken pox. Poor quarterback, your arms may end up dangling like two hippies, dancing to some impenetrable guitar noodling. Your legs will appear to sever and start stomping on nails and glass. Your nose and eyes will switch places and senses, and, this being an extremely gassy form of the hallucinogenic chicken pox, your foul putrid stench will become 588 dull toothpicks being repeatedly jammed in your eyes. You will wretch and heave at the smell of your own toxic vapors taking note that your insides feel like aching tubes of sandpaper and your endocrine system has become an bison-strength electric fence running from the top of your head to the tip of your quickly retreating purple member.

The Circle for Offensive Linemen
The gluttonous “Hogs” are in for a special treat. They will be beaten within an inch of their lives by large angry beasts shaped like baby back ribs dripping with barbeque sauce. The beasts roam around with hook-like claws and a savory aroma. Avoid getting that sauce in your mouth, piglet linemen, because the taste is so foul it is known to haunt the dreams of maggot children, and it contains a potent fertility medicine that will make your sperm unstoppable in the wild! You could even face paternity suits from women that merely folded your laundry at the laundrymat, and when those children come to bear, you’ll find them to be noisy little insufferable shit factories! Of course, that is like all babies, but these will have horns and can turn invisible and will never grow up!

The Circle for players running the Wildcat Formation
For you trendy wildcat runners, with your misdirection handoffs and your scampering fake quarterback who everyone in the entire stadium knows is incapable of throwing deep, you will be sliced and diced into bits and dipped in plastic and sold in a sweaty little Hot Topic shop, just like the embarrassment to offensive formations that you are! You will be cursed with an awareness after death that lets you feel your peices being taken through the mall and into the latest Zac Efron movie. You will swear allegiance to your pock-faced master and feel the pain when they discard you for the next mildly amusing trinket.

The Circle for Wide Receivers
Those stringy catchers of quarterback droppings get to escape unscathed! they get to roam free as the Tight Ends are made to trip over invisible wire into slime-covered zebra-skin rugs with hidden salty razor blades, or maybe they get swallowed by big angry snakes who get! The receivers go free, into the world with only minor wounds. They escape and head to a hospital to get checked out and treated. BUT WAIT, the doctors are goats and they start feeding on their arrogant wide receiver faces while the goblin-like nurses set fire to their knees and feet!