Some sumbitches like to motivate with violence, but now in this day and age where you can barely get away with half-drowning heathen terrorists, so you’re surely not gonna get away with stapling “my whore momma dropped me” signs on the wide receivers every time one of those butterfingers lets the ball hit the dirt. So how do you motivate? Some folks think you ought to outright lie.

I was at Thanksgiving dinner many many years ago, and my grandma said, “You haven’t eaten anything yet!” and I said “Grandmaw, I just ate like 2 lbs of squirrel meat and all sorts of peas and carrots and stuff” and she said “There is still pumpkin pie left you scrawny shit!” and I said “are you telling me if I don’t eat that sugary sweet pie, I haven’t eaten ANYTHING? I hate to cloud the issue with fact, you old rat, but I already ate a mess of fine food.”

To me, thats what we’re telling the Alabama players if we tell them they ain’t won nothing yet. They won 12 dog gone games already, they’re not blind, they was there and sweated all over the place for every win! Thats like my grandmaw telling me I hadn’t ate any squirrel while my bowels were all a-fire with pain. All of a sudden everything my grandmaw ever said came into question. Did she really hunt all those squirrels or did she just throw a bucket of poisoned nuts in the backyard? Was it really an accident to drop that radio in the tub with Grandpaw Edsel? Did she really know that my sleeping bag in the barn was full of poison spiders?

Anyway, when your trying to motivate people with outright lies, you are doomed to failure! I’m sure Coach Perkins won’t be telling any horse shit to our players at the game in Birmingham this weekend, But if he tells those kids they ain’t won nothin, well, I hope he at least mumbles “…nothing big and shiny and football shaped” afterwards, to add a hair of truth to it.