Let me tell you I don’t like them Vols one bit. Running round with that orange mess on makes my mario glaucoma act up. I got to go watch one of them damn Oregon Duck or Boyzy State games just to get the taste out of my eyes. Thats the sort of orange only a mother could love. A mother fucker that is. I also hear in Tennessee, public urination gets you a sexual offender status, by my figuring thats got to really hurt the real estate market next to school’s and such. They wonder why that economy is in the shitter.

One thing I am sure of, is when Johnny Majors brings his boys to town, you know there is gonna be a fight. I once seen 3 of them orange fans get in a fight with a baby! And they was so drunk, they lost! One of them sumbitches slipped in some vomit pile and looked to need sewin up! Might been some of those Louisiana fans in disguise though. And now that I visit on it, I think the baby was drunk too.

I get so dick-fire mad when the Tide plays Tennessee. Sometimes it drives me to get whiskey drunk in the morning, next thing I know I’m at the go-kart track throwin nails and bottles out there for kids and mentally handicapped to dodge. Thats also a good time to check your squirrel and beaver traps, nothing like some good October park-meat. When I get home I like to squirt honey between my toes and listen to the Spanish station on the AM radio, makes me appreciate the good king’s English I get to hear all week on that joker Finebaum’s show (and the honey is supposed to help with this dad gum fungus infection).

I can’t believe Johnny Majors is still coaching them boys. Ain’t about time for him to retire? Start tropesing up and down that interstate in some shit-ugly RV. I guess if that leathery muskrat down in Tallahassee can do it, anyone can. And I dont guess that owl Joe Paterno even shows up to work anymore, I think they just pick some crazy old coot off the street and hand em some Penn State smocks and those submarine-window-grade glasses, tell him to stay inside some pope-mobile sort of rig. Reminds me of those Ancient Aztecs, not sure why, guess my schoolin is still workin.

We gotta feel good about the Tide’s chances this week. I don’t care what he done at Georgia the other week, that Cromley they have at quarterback is more worthless than teets on a boar hog. I suspect one of our kids is liable to knock that chocolate milk mustache right off and into that Bryant Denny grass. Damn, just found some A-1 steak sauce in my beard, can’t remember the last time that condiment got pulled into the mix.