Who the Fuck is Florida
Florida is a school of 52,000 motherfuckers located in Gainsville, Florida. The university is named after the state where old people go to die and Canadians go to drive bad. House guru Bob Vila is a Gator, he was the undisputed renovation sensei until that metrosexual Ty from Extreme Home Makeover started rebuilding entire fucking neighborhoods.

“I will fuck your shitty bammer houses up if my Gators lose”

Welcome to the Fucking SEC Title Game
A solid defense, Imploding rival programs, top notch newcomers, and unreal injury luck has bammers planning a December Atlanta invasion for the first time since 1999, when most current UA students were teetotaler virgins aspiring to be like the lead singer from Sugar Ray.

Who can forget the 2005 game? The 31-3 victory prematurely propelled Bama into Backness, but apparently not really Back, only ’sortof Back’. With a win Saturday, Bama will silence all the haters with the Sounds of True Backness. I’ll always remember that game because later than night I had my tamborine taken away from me at the bar (and no that’s not some obscure euphemism).

Two Fucking Words: Terrence Cody
To beat the Urban Peninsula Lizards, Cody will have to be disruptive. We know the big man in the Middle has weaknesses, his kryptonite is apparently Ole Miss offensive linemen flying into his leg, but he also has his “Popeye Spinach”, and we happen to have a jug or two.

The Tide is a Big Fucking Underdog
The No. 1 team in the country is an underdog on a neutral site! Fucking Unprecedented! You’re going to have to wait until Saturday to find out if this is just a love affair with Tim Tebow and his speedsters or a case of the best team having more losses. But, as for the Official Tower of Bammer Opinion on the Matter, we’re going to hand it over to our correspondent Walter Sobchack, who is reporting from the bowling alley:

Why We are Fucked
They have played batshit insane since losing to Ole Miss. Florida’s offense has always been good under Urban Meyer, but the defense has been very solid, looking more like the National Championship 2006 squad that last years. Florida has 15 players on the roster that can run faster than the speed of sound and Tebow can crush buildings with his meaty man-paws.

Why They are Fucked
Defensively, Alabama conceivably can match up well with the Gators. Offensively it will be important to shorten the game with the “Ground Coffee” attack. While the Percy Harvin cankle injury has gotten more headlines, the difference maker could be the absence pf linemen Brandon Antwine and Matt Patchan, which could help out the beefy Bama line, which has to dominate for the Tide to have a chance.

In Fucking Conclusion
If Bama wins, I beg thee to riot.