Welcome Previously-Known-As-Fucking-Indians!
In this day and age, I guess we can’t go naming our fucking sports teams after geographically misnamed minorities, who lived here for thousands of years and we nearly wiped out through disease and war. Thusly, Arkansas State rolled out their new and improved athletics logo and mascot* this Fall. In a manimal-like transformation** in the hills of Arkansas, the tribe of Indians have become a pack of Red Wolves, hoping to minimize offensiveness and maximize intimidation. If only they would have picked a more unique animal, like a fever-carrying tick or some type of mollusk. Mollusca are horribly underrepresented as mascots, the UCSB Banana Slug being a notable exception.

Who The Fuck is Arkansas State?
Arkansas State is based in Craighead County, Akansas, by way of Jonesboro, which is a mother fucking Dry County(!). It seems they use “stAte” as their logo, in a way that painfully reminds me of that damn javascript programming class that I did really badly in. ASU has 11,000 students, and I really hope, for their sake, they still find ways to get into trouble up there, cause alcohol is limited to ‘private clubs’, which sounds far more devious than ‘public intoxication’.

The Voice of SpongeBob Neighbor Squidward Tentacles, Rodger Bumpass, went to Arkansas State

Why We are Fucked
The Tide has developed some serious trouble with kickoffs lately, and Drew Davis has had some serious problems pass blocking. The Indian-Wolves have a good offense and QB. They won at Texas A & M this year and only lost to the current #1 Texas by 8 pts last year.  Mainly, we are only fucked if our team finds surprising ways to beat themselves, like this:

Why They are Fucked
Arkansas State is fucked because the running back Cerberus of Coffee, Ingram and Upchurch will have a La-Monroe sized chip on their shoulder Saturday, and wanting this thing in the fucking bag early. The WolverIndians have not been tested this year, flaunting a schedule dominated by losing teams. The only team Div 1-A team they’ve faced with a winning record this year is a 4-Win Louisiana-Lafayette squad. Anything less than domination of this opponent will incite poll voters across the country to jump ship and Bama could end up behind Penn State, Florida, USC, Boise State and Spain Park.

Fucking Pay Per View
Sorry fuckers, this game is on pay per view, if you’re watching this at home with the volume turned down and Eli Gold cracked up on the radio, I am sorry, but, I don’t understand your brain. Bama HAS to put this away early, just to spare viewers from the blurry picture and the part-time sub-intern-level announcing crew. The Pay-Per-Dudes always sound like kids in 3rd grade getting called on to read. Viewers will be longing to be cuddled by the Raycom Sports army of Daves if this thing isn’t a blowout by the 4th quarter. Isn’t it just an anomoly of economics in that, you pay MORE for the game, and the coverage gets SHITTIER?

* This also helped Arkansas State grad students from Bangalor realize that, no, they will not be selling mango-jalapeno-pickle chutney at athletic events, reducing their confusion and culture shock

**Here is an example Manimal transformation, the bulging fingers give me the creeps: