The Onion is Fake!!
The Onion even Responds in the Comments to the WSFA post!
Best Comments from the WSFA debacle (not even including ones where the WSFA account gets all defensive and pretends they knew it was fake all along)
Should the Alabama Coach re-brand as the Father of Lies???
Vanderbilt Coach James Franklin posits that Alabama is being run by the Devil, and is planning a divine intervention (probably via recruiting and working his butt off and selling trucks and potato chips to the Nashville metro area). This is troubling news for those who follow the Tide, and probably also troubling for anyone that follows a Judeo-Christian faith, because having Lucifer himself, the King of the Bottomless Pit, the Deceiver, in the flesh, setting up shop in the Bible belt and running a hugely successful college football program is a threat and insult of the highest order. Basically a huge goat-blood covered middle finger sticking up right out the Heart of Dixie and all that is Blessed.
Friend to the Elderly
Other Thoughts on the scandal:
- We all know Nick Saban said the famous “I will not be the Coach of Alabama” as he was temporarily sucking as the Miami Dolphins coach, but what if he was NOT LYING, what if this version of Nick Saban is a demon-controlled husk that is setting up shop in Tuscaloosa’s most prominent office. What if a despondent Nick Saban, facing a future with Daunte Culpepper at QB, offers up his body and soul to the devil in exchange for a few more championships?
- What if this is just people picking on Nick Saban because he is short? What’s next James Franklin, you gonna stick his head into a toilet and flush it? Are you going to put his little debbie cakes up real high so he can’t reach them and secretly tape it and put it on youtube? Stop the cruelty people, go back to making fun of Juggalos
- If Nick Saban truly is Beelzebub, wouldn’t AJ McCarron have burst into flame during the 2010 butt-slap incident? Satan experts please hit me up about how much contact does the Demon Lord need to burst someone into flame.
- It does get hot as shit in the Summer.
Lance Armstrong is one of the most polarizing athletes of our time. His amazing speed while driving motorcycles has launched comparisons to Hut Stricklin, Dale Earnhardt Jr, and even Evil Kneivel himself. He recently had an interview with Oprah where he talked about awful relationships, weird tasting potato chips from New Orleans, and a disturbing addiction to watching Mentalist reruns. He even took a phone call on his beep beep phone like some 70s mustached Burt Reynolds cement contractor. The dude really likes the Mentalist, that’s why him and Oprah first started hanging out, at The Mentalist fanfic conventions. Disturbing stuff.
Anyways, he admitted to carrying around a jar containing the head of starting right tackle and future mad high draft pick and millionaire DJ Fluker. He may have even been carrying around this head during the BCS national championship game and ESPN digitally added a helmet so as to not disturb millions of Americans while they are lusting over AJ McCarron’s old lady.
You have to wonder what society is coming to. 100 years ago if you would just get polio and die or your wife would die in childbirth while you foraged for grubs and cilantro, now we have to worry about motorcycle drivers carrying around the head of huge Mobile Alabama right tackles and shit. Excuse me while I climb up the vulcan statue in my flying squirrel suit.
Tennessee fans are becoming disappointed with their season, so they got creative and dropped a big rock from space covered with scribbles and graphics.
The upset fans took to the skies in a whiskey-bottle shaped balloon device and dropped a disapproving stone-based message, a hastily assembled version of Volunteer Sports-Talk Radio Ten Commandments that would fall from the heavens itself!
The landing place for the rock was ideally going to be an SUV in QB Tyler Bray’s Knoxville apartment complex so he would be blamed for it. The prank is on them though, because the Butt-Chuggers mispeeled their head coach’s name (I’m not going to try to spell it here, for fear of landing in the same same boat and being ridiculed, but on that note though, part of me hopes Auburn tight end Philip Lutzenkirchen becomes an embattled head coach some day and the haters accidentally register like 27 different versions firelutzenkirchen.com )
The rock also contained an odd graphic denouncing orange teeth.
STANFORD 6.5 at WSU
The Fighting Trees vs Mike Leach: The Next Generation! 6.5 You can’t meep that shit up! Admiral Leach is a bonfire builder, not a haphazard arsonist! If you have a decent sized pair of beekers, you should meep your retilement funds into this and plan on a life of luxury!
PICK: SAMFORD TO ANNIHILATE THE SPREAD!!
MEEP MEEP UPSET ALERT
Arkansas -13.5 at Texams ALM
How far can coach John L Smith take this Alabama Team? I meep to the Beef O Bradys Bowl!
PICK: ARKAMSAS !!
GEORGIA -13.5 at TENNESSEE
The orange plants worn by Coach Dooley kinda match my nose, and T-Bray is the most unnerrated QB in the SEC EAST. With a 13.5 pt cushion I would not feel a meep of worry!!!
BAYLOR at -12.5 West Virginia
I expect WVU to open up a complete chemistry set of meepstruction on Barlor after strugling with Maryland kinda last week. Holgorsoms vanes were popping out of his neck!! He will be so mad crazy pissed every play will be a wishbone fake punt.
PICK: WVU to keep scoring until the national gard gets chopper lifted in
Texas -3 at Oklahoma State
Texas barely handled Ole Miss with there 35 pt victory last weekend wich was closer than it sounds, worried after this they will kick Mack Brown out of Austin and he will have to wash dishes in El Paso and long for the good ole days of playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Nintendo is a large Japanese company that makes electronic shit that features out of work plumbers and old people playing tennis. Thankfully, the video game giant have come to their senses and now worship the One True Team and will only be featuring Alabama Games on their devices.
Other college teams will get to see the scores, and possibly how long is left in their sloppy, embarrassing contests. The one problem Crimson Tide fans may have with this device, is Nick Saban’s post-game press conferences will be altered in real-time to feature a digitally generated goofy Italian caricature, who, instead of yelling at the press, he will just happily jump through the room stomping on those reporters’ cute little mushroom heads.
Chef and butter activist Paula Deen has cooked up a plate of Alabama Defensive Lineman Jesse Williams. The charismatic Australian is known for his tribal tattoos and being huge as shit, sad to see him baked and turned to biscuits or bacon fritters or whatever is going on there.
Did she cook Terrence Cody too? Is that why he’s not on the team anymore? That guy was great!
Should she be sent a cease and desist order so she doesnt cook our entire starting defense?
Swimsuit Magazine Blogster Andy Staples wrote something about the Sabanization of College Foosball, that’s ok I guess, since he likes Archibald’s BBQ and that makes him more valid most humans in the solar system. I really just wanted to try a thought experiment with a bunch of Angrysabans squaring off.
ESPN was using curse warfare and it’s taken it’s first victim: the Swamp Badger himself
Things just get crazier for Tyrann Mathieu. First kicked off of LSU and now transferring to a South American bank account. Apparently his distant uncle needed cornerbacks and was a high ranking government official and also a successful minister and also died w/ no heirs and/or hoes.
UPDATE: Unfortunately it has come to light that this EMAIL WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS was a scam and now the ‘Honey Badger’ [may that phrase rest in peace] finds himself unwillingly transferred into a Paraguayan bank account. Hopefully, his special teams and fumblemaking skills can help him escape. I wonder if he can play CODBLOPS while inside a bank account? Maybe he can only play Mario Galaxy or some such twee Nintendo shit.
Maybe to pass the time in this bank account, he will read Holy Shit: Managing Manure to Save Mankind???
Well, we are in this for the long haul fellas. Assuming the curse travels sequentially, Georgia should brace for something horrific. They probably should go ahead and take off work and start coating Michael Stipe with holy lard and blessed butter to ward off the evil vegan spirits ESPN is probably summoning.