Purdell Otis, master college handicapper from Bay Minette, AL, sends us a quick pick on the San Jose State game:

Who the Fuck is San Diego State?
San Diego State University is located in northern California, over 400 fucking miles north of San Diego. Founded by Shrek and Joey Chestnut in 1987. They have a lot of databases and fixed gear bicycles.

Marshall Fucking Faulk
Marshall Faulk is a famous San Diego State Alumni, I’m not sure why his helmet says ‘Aztecs’, probably a Nike competitor in the 90s that went under because of Mike Jordan and Gnarls Barkley.

Fucking Alumni
American Gladiator Nitro is a Spartan, poor dude is suffering from steroid induced raisin-like balls and something they call on the street “breast chesticles“. This is a street you do not want to hang out on. Thankfully, he has documented all this in his 2009 book so you don’t really need to.

How the fuck are they going to get here?
The team will travel to Tuscaloosa via the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. Must overcome some serious scurvy and malaria risks (eat some fruit guys!!). Poor dudes had to leave 4 weeks ago. Thankfully, they get 3G service there, and have a slew of one-legged tutors on board so they don’t fall behind in classes.

How the Fuck we gonna win without our Heis-Man?
This will be the Tide’s first test of the year, against one of those west coast offenses. Not having Mark Ingram will be tough, but thankfully Star Jackson will be starting at running back and will be bringing plenty of yards with him!

Can I get through a Post about Spartans without making a 300 Joke?
Nope

It has been reported that Heisman Trophy bad ass Mark Ingram was the victim of a periscope attack in Birmingham.

News is still sketchy, but Dr James Andrews has been spotted running naked along highway 280, perhaps looking to blend in with a crowd inside a Moes restaurant.

If you see Dr James Andrews, do not approach or feed him and immediately call your local authorites, and for the love of God do not welcome him to Moes.

The Crimson and White Roundtable is back! The season is almost here!! Can’t wait to watch some footbaw and grab some cold ones!!

1) What is your expectations for the coming season?

Me? I’m bracing for a slight crash back to earth. Between 1 and 3 losses between the likes of some Gator-Lion-Tiger-Chickeny-type Beast while we break in America’s Next Top Defense. Does that make me a pessimist? if 11 wins qualifies as pessimism you may be using Crimson Kool-Aid as your deodorant, I think this is still a champion contender and I am happy as a pig in shit. And mark it dude, by midseason the defense will be bailing out the offense just like last year. I also expect some good barbeque this year. Gonna maybe make some teriyaki wings, mexican style corn on the cob, definitely going to cook some ribs slow and low with a nice rub and some Alabama Man Dance Gameday Poblano Pepper Black Bean Chorizo Chili.

2) What players to you most expect to stand out?

On offense, how can it not be Mark Ingram? The guy has the best timing and patience I’ve ever seen, I bet he can fill up a cooler fishing without bait. I bet he doesn’t even know what color shows up after yellow on traffic lights. DJ fluker will stand out in a more literal sense, and hopefully performance wise as well. On defense, I fully expect Kerry Murphy to be the new Cody in there, takin up space, raising hell, drinking extra large fountain drinks, making teams give up on the run 6 minutes into the game.

3) What do you think will be biggest difference between this team and the 2009 squad?

Well, we hear about more wanting more ‘explosive plays’ this year, I just want to know if it will work out. Last season started out in that direction, with all the wildcat and pistol looks. It’s just all that seems predicated on McElroy becoming more Texas Gunslinger and less Texas Groundskeeper. We could also see more creative running, ala 2007 Arkansas or 2009 Nevada. I also wonder if the special teams anxiety makes the offense more aggressive this year. New punter, kicker, long snapper? That itself should lead to about 10,000 Bryant-Denny Grandmas all screaming “GO FER IT!!!” in unholy unison on every other 4th down.

“I came all the way from Saturn to get some Archibald’s” – Sun Ra

This is my run down of Tuscaloosa eatin’ and drinkin’, aimed at the casual visitor-fan. Feel free to pile on if you think my taste sucks, or if one of these joints has been recently closed down by some FBI raid or some deadly bug infestation.

Barbeque:
Tuscaloosa has had some pretty solid barbeque places. Based out of a concrete barbeque bunker in a backyard on MLK drive that is smaller than most restaurant bathrooms, Archibald’s is a MUST EAT BEFORE YOU DIE. It is sometimes a pain in the ass there, they’ll be out of ribs because they cook them so slow, so a minor spike in demand is enough to send people packing for Dreamland. The original dreamland on Jug Factory Rd. is the only real Dreamland, it’s shitty in a pretty cool way and they’ll just toss ribs at you the second you get in the door, but I could see the convenience of the Northport riverside location being a solid selling point, especially if your family unit is already shitting out little humans. Gameday campus area also features several road side barbeque stands, I like the sammitches at the one on Bryant Drive near 12th ave, and everyone seems to be hypnotized by Big Bad Wolves’ Barbeque Nachos, as for me, I like barbeque, and I like nachos, but the novelty of that ungodly marriage ended years ago. I also hear Big Bad Wolves will give you bones for your dog if you ask nice. There is a new place downtown called Moe’s Original Barbeque, the food is not bad, but they have Colorado shit all over the place, I’m worried they flavor their barbeque withmountain due and have parties during the X games.

Sports Bars:
Buffalo Phil’s and the Hound’s tooth are pretty popular destinations that are really close to campus. I’m a big fan of Phil’s fingers of fire sandwich, their wings are small but the sauce is good. The Houndstooth has recently metamorphized from the charming crimson clad sports ghetto into a big brick barn with widescreen TVs and the worst acoustics in the entire planet (sorority girl high pitched greeting echo chamber, it’s fucking torturous), if it’s nice drinking outside in their cement front yard is OK. I like Wilhagen’s downtown, they have good burgers and probably the best beer selection of any of the sports bars. I guess on gameday every bar is a sports bar, this is probably the most pointless paragraph.

Egans even has a Santa during the winter

Greasy Food:
I hear continuous praise for the burgers at the Oasis in Cottondale, that’s a haul from campus though. The wings at Bottom Feeders are fucking amazing, they are smoked, not fried. Tut’s is pretty good greasy guilty pleasure pizza, calzone, philly cheese sort of thing, and have some awesome hummus. Guthrie’s only serves fucking disgusting fried chicken fingers, but somehow good at the same time. The philly cheesesteak at Big Daddy’s on Greensboro is a nice size and in some sweet ass bread.

Beer Bars:
On the Strip, Egans is one of our favorite places to grab good beers with other beer drinkers, and downtown, the Alcove is a nice hangout with a good beer selection and a smoke free indoors, it’s practically an operating room compared to your typical Tuscaloosa bar, had my spleen taken out the other day. Gallette’s is more of a bar for the greek crowd, but can still be alright on gameday even if you forgot your croakies and monster truck. The Downtown Pub is good for the less college-y vibe.

Good Food:
Nick’s in the Sticks is a pretty old, cool place, I bet the wait is killer on game weekends though. Their onion rings are these crazy grease donuts where they onion has almost completely been absorbed into the grease and breading. Chuck’s Fish is a pretty good place for a downtown meal. Kozy’s is pretty cool, a little further away from the campus area though, they’ll have crazy things like gold encrusted salmon with savory refried skittles. The Waysider has awesome tiny biscuits in the morning.

Live Music:
Egans has live music with no cover, usually in the rock or punk neck of the woods, and you have to walk THROUGH the band to take a leak. It’s pretty classy. Little Willie’s has live music, usually rock, jazz or blues. The Jupiter and the Mellow Mushroom book rock bands and some of that hippy dippy jam-band stuff that the kids like these days. The Bama Theatre has cool live music or movies as well, and it looks pretty cool inside, and they sell beer and whatnot. Admittedly, the best live music in Tuscaloosa is being one block away from the stadium when the Tide scores a touchdown, you can hear the smiles.

Can’t wait to beat the Bulldogs clad in these beautiful bubbly letters!!

A disgruntled Nike employee, most likely slaving away in a sweatshop in an underground Pacific Northwest basement, has leaked the Nike Pro Combat design documents & concept art for the Alabama. There is lots of internal conflict over which design to go with, and many employees have been reprimanded, fired, or robbed of their shoes at gunpoint by Phil Knight himself.

Here we have “The Patriot”, a modern take on traditional, patriotic athletic garb (for the veterans, obv):

Another version being presented is rumored to shoot missles and hangs out with Don Cheadle:

This uniform is meant to appeal to the younger crowd, and could spread the Alabama brand to kindergartens across the nation:

Only a minor adjustment on this one, a new look for the numbers give this uniform a handwritten, comic-y feel:

Many people at Nike are all Gaga for this one, though there are thoughts that we have a more “Reba McEntire” type market:

A uniform like this would give Alabama a decided advantage over teams running the muggle option:

So what happens when Bama eventually loses? Will Bammermania end? Will Saban get bricks of flaming cocaine thrown through his windows?

The November 24 2007 Iron Bowl remains the last regular season Alabama loss. It is a unique, and frankly wonderful situation to be in, babies born then are now running around and talking and choking on legos and shit. Probably already having text-sex and h8ing their parents. How long will this ride last? If the asinine cocky behavior that many of my Alabama brothers and sisters are displaying is any indication, San Diego State might just stun 100,000 bammers on their way to an inconceivable upset. Of course thats not likely, but other bad things could happen.

Penn State
After a loss to a Nittany Lion squad, expect the random shouts of “S! E! C! Speeeed!” to morph into drunken calls for “R!E!O! Speedwagon!” and when the guitars kick in on “Can’t Fight this Feelin”, expect Bryant Denny to become the worlds largest bucket of tears. Could JoePa’s ole ticker even withstand this sort of upset? That’d be like a lose lose, what a fart of a post game party that would be. Wonder if they’d have the wake at Harry’s, half price fuckit buckets.

Arkansas
Theres a good chance that Arkansas rides into this as the blog-darkhorse-buzz-pick. A loss here would leave plenty of time to blog improve and blog salvage the season, but what about the 7 missed blog field goals, 28 yard blog punts, and the 2 completely bloggified cornerbacks? How will the Bama fanbase deal with all the Mallet based puns in the newsstands? MALLET HAMMERS BAMMERS! Before Bobby Petrino can even have the Gatorade dumped on him, he takes a job with Texas A & M.

Florida
A loss to the Gators in Tuscaloosa? We might just see 100,000 Tide fans vomit all their offseason koolaid up in a wave-of regurgitation. And if Greg McElroy even sports a drop of tear shaped sweat in a losing effort, we can expect the Gator faithful to, maybe deservedly so, post that shit all over the place. Possibly even hack into the Jumbotron and put it on a loop while the slower bammer brothers and sisters are still waddling out of the stadium.

South Carolina
The perception of Spurrier’s reign as some sort of extended, paid South Carolina golf vacation completely go out the window as he rips the spinal cord out Stephen Garcia during the post game press conference. He wanted to send a message to the other three that interceptions in the 4th quarter when up by 10 points will never be tolerated. A youtube clip of a 500 pound beareded woman with a BAMA shirt crying gets 12 million views.

LSU
Holeee sheeyit, those purple pill-eaters would loooove to end any Alabama winning streak, or to simply pile on to a rough season as it barrels off the rails. Of course Les Miles does something like urinating on the cheerleaders in celebration, maybe burning down a few churches too. The message boards are flooded with claims of referee scandal, as it was obvious that Jordan Jefferson took off his helmet during the first quarter in celebration, and never put it back on.

Auburn
Barreling through the season only to lose to the Lee County Veterinarians would be a worse-case-scenario in just about any self-respecting Bama fan’s book. Maybe not worst case scenario in a Dubose/Prothro injury sort of way, but any season like that would surely summon the spirit of Bill Curry, and turn the offseason into a gruesome gauntlet of mean spirited Yee Haw reruns replayed over and over. Public places and sports radio would become completely unbearable for months.

Breaking News: I have just uncovered video of an Alabama fan trashing Tennessee. In a long stream of violent metaphors, he compares the Vols to Osama Bin Laden, calls Knoxville a town of pockmarked whores, forces a baby to eat glass, and then literally takes a figurative crap on a Smokey looking dog. Off camera he then sticks his finger up his butt and then gives phil fulmer’s wife a poo mustache.

I’m not sure I approve of all this violent, over-the-top shenanigans. I suspect this is a publicity stunt for the upcoming Jason Statham movie, where everything is over the top and people listen to Guns and Roses instead of the Arcade Fire.

This was filmed at orientation, where young little kids come to school and learn how to put a trash can next to their dorm bed when they are feeling vomitous. Hope the Crimson Wagoneers, or whatever the orientation people are called, are not involved in this stunt, it could come back to haunt their careers if their involvement was public.

The Alabama football team is apparently in a dicey situation, in regard to the defensive backfield. It looks like depth concerns have driven them to place smart-ass advertisements on the local craigslist. We can only assume the next step is suiting up cheerleaders and/or scouting at the intramural leagues for crazy “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” skills.