How can Bama have a chance, with Longhorn Matthew “The Wedding Planner” McConaughey leveraging his smothering charm?! Who can resist his rolling southern accent that flows effortlessly out of his delectable lips?!
(ps, if you tell me that J-Lo was the actual wedding planner, I will stare at you with a blank look and empty eyes)
Also, a word from Kenny Powers:
It was disappointing to learn Heisman Winner Mark Ingram wasn’t going to be on the Dave Letterman show last night, I hear he was going to wear his light blue Matlock digs.
from 2008:
Who the Fuck is Florida?
The University of Florida is a fucking state college with about 55 fucking thousand students, located in Gainesville, Florida. Florida has given us gifts like the comedian Todd Barry and has also been known to occasionally aim its Taser of Education on goofball conspiracy theorists.
Game of the Fucking Millennium!
Welcome United States! Ola Estados Unidos! This weekend’s football action has it ALLLLL. You don’t need jobs! You don’t need food! You probably don’t even need to God Damn breathe! You just need to sit your ass down and watch this SEC game this weekend.* Grab a sharpie, write your emergency contact information on your arm**, strap on your adult diapers, and sit that ice cold cooler full of borderline disgusting beer RIGHT IN YOUR LAP, this shit is going to blow up the entire fucking Earth!
Whats at Stake?
The Universities of Florida and Alabama, cherished havens of knowledge, are meeting for the Second time in two years in the battle over who actually has to give a shit about this bar:
Things to fucking watch out for:
A Big Letdown! Any game preceded by this much hype will be a letdown for somebody. If there are more than 2 droppped catches or any fumbles in the second half, get ready for a breakdown on how the offense is a bunch of disappointing finger puppets. If more than 20 points are scored, get ready to hear some old-timer tell you how nobody plays defense anymore. I think the only way this game could not end up a letdown, is if both teams left the field, grabbed explosives and blew up every fucking Chick-Fil-A in the Greater Atlanta area.
Eye-black Bible verses bursting the fuck out of your television! I’m thinking on Saturday we might see Tebow drop some Deuteronomy 23:2, it reads “one of illegitimate birth shall not enter the congregation of the Lord”. This would be a subtle but Lordly insult aimed at all those bastard referees.
Nick Saban tearing up equipment! Nick Saban has been known to get all DRUNK HULK on us when he gets angry. I mean, if you demand perfection and get dumb penalties in the red zone something has to pay, preferably something replaceable and that doesn’t feel pain. I wonder how many back-up headsets he has, he probably carries them around like David Banner has to carry around extra shirts and purple pants.
Fucking Airports
What do the Florida Swamp Lizards and the our hated rival, the Auburn Department of Defense Birds of Prey have in common? They have commercials featuring alumni greeting each other in CRAAZY places with their slogan. In other news, everyone not from your school thinks you look like a tool when you do this***.
In Conclusion
Prediction: Game winning two point conversion by Terrence Cody.
* Stick your nose down there and take a DEEEP BREATH America! Commit it to memory. If you have tits, commit it to Mammary. The rules of the Geneva Convention will not be enforced! HIP HOP too boring? Play some METAL! Is Metal too cheesy? Play some CLUB SHIT! Is club shit too gay? Play some PUNK! Is punk too dead? Play some SURF! Too far away from the ocean? Play some BLUEGRASS! no grass on the field? DON’T PLAY BALL!
** and be sure to write your email address on your baby, if needed
**This is possibly acceptable at the airport sports bar, where people are too busy staring at their overpriced styrofoam cup of beer. And, I’m sure there’s some dumb Alabama commercial that does the same thing, but I haven’t seen it yet, so feel free to zinger me with that, you fucking haters.
Some sumbitches like to motivate with violence, but now in this day and age where you can barely get away with half-drowning heathen terrorists, so you’re surely not gonna get away with stapling “my whore momma dropped me” signs on the wide receivers every time one of those butterfingers lets the ball hit the dirt. So how do you motivate? Some folks think you ought to outright lie.
I was at Thanksgiving dinner many many years ago, and my grandma said, “You haven’t eaten anything yet!” and I said “Grandmaw, I just ate like 2 lbs of squirrel meat and all sorts of peas and carrots and stuff” and she said “There is still pumpkin pie left you scrawny shit!” and I said “are you telling me if I don’t eat that sugary sweet pie, I haven’t eaten ANYTHING? I hate to cloud the issue with fact, you old rat, but I already ate a mess of fine food.”
To me, thats what we’re telling the Alabama players if we tell them they ain’t won nothing yet. They won 12 dog gone games already, they’re not blind, they was there and sweated all over the place for every win! Thats like my grandmaw telling me I hadn’t ate any squirrel while my bowels were all a-fire with pain. All of a sudden everything my grandmaw ever said came into question. Did she really hunt all those squirrels or did she just throw a bucket of poisoned nuts in the backyard? Was it really an accident to drop that radio in the tub with Grandpaw Edsel? Did she really know that my sleeping bag in the barn was full of poison spiders?
Anyway, when your trying to motivate people with outright lies, you are doomed to failure! I’m sure Coach Perkins won’t be telling any horse shit to our players at the game in Birmingham this weekend, But if he tells those kids they ain’t won nothin, well, I hope he at least mumbles “…nothing big and shiny and football shaped” afterwards, to add a hair of truth to it.
…officers found the Gator defensive lineman’s car stopped at a green light slumped over asleep in the driver’s seat
Nothing caps off an undefeated regular season like pretending to kick the shit out of your friends. I worked my ass off on this one. The least you could do is watch it.
The past 10 years have only seen 3 Iron Bowl victories for the Tide. This has resulted in far too much toilet paper being squandered by agricultural tree vandals. Much like religious fanatics who discard their possessions and wait in the desert for their savior to return on a specific date, only to end up disappointed or even more delusional, Auburn fans cover their cute little town shrub with yards and yards of exit napkins, hoping some year the Football Gods will pay a visit and wipe their Football God Asses. I’m fairly certain that much toilet paper could completely disable the entire Lee County aqueduct-style ninja turtle infested sewage system, turning it into a stagnant underground doodoo-flavored lazy river. I hope Alabama wins the Iron Bowl this year,as a symbolic win in the name of public sanitation, and in the name of anyone that has ever suddenly run out of toilet paper.
So, while basking in the warm glow of HATE WEEK, I figured I would go through some search terms that people use to find this site. It turns out, some sick people find this site, through the alchemy of google and whatnot. And, you know, there are some things I just can’t keep bottled up. This is one of those bits of sunshine I just have to share:
alabama peeing on lsu (if anyone finds this, I’d like to see it I think)
were wolves fucking (hmm, must be related to that new teenybopper movie)
portable dick licker
california gang-rape at homecoming (this just makes me uncomfortable)
shit. video urinate (not really sure about that punctuation)
gang sign that looks like a bird flying
who was the guy who ran without his shirt in the 2009 nfl combine that had breasts (hmm who was that guy?)
jug fucking
tebow jorts
in the head is the brain (the tower of bammer is your source for brain locations)
alabama game verne lundquist shit
greg mcelroy picking boogers (how do you get your boogers out? grow up people!)
if you sprinkle when tinkle please be neat and wipe the seat tin sign
jorts effect virginia tech
homecoming queen fucks coach (that must have been from the brief Mike Price era)
Also noted are several searches for Nick Saban’s illegitimate children, religious affiliation, and whether he is involved in freemasonry.