Already taken off work for National Signing Day, ready to spend a day with my family, curled up next to the fire, huffing VCR cleaner, and watching athletic young high school men put on hats. If you squint your ears and listen hard, you can even here High School Audio Visual departments from around the nation creaking under the pressure of these hat choosings.

Might even buy a shitload of Guthries chicken finger boxes. I’ll eat the chicken fingers, use the crinkle cut fries to clean up the oilspill that’s slowly taking over my garage, and then I’ll take a nap in a pile of Texas toast and dream of 5-stars flipping from USC to Team Edward.

That’s why this National Signing Day Bamboo Salad Bowl set is so fucking sweet…

It comes with a fax machine, Guthrie’s chicken fingers and a wad of cash. The fax machine actually just hooks up to an ESPNU feed that purrs like a real fax machine, so you can pretend that you are actually in an athletic department, and you can even pretend that you don’t have a boner every time the thing starts to warm up.

I also can’t wait to have some company over and show them these rustic hand crafted salad bowls. Might even buy some of that Annies organic salad dressing I always see at the grocery store, they even have one made with bukkake mushrooms. OK, who am I kidding, as a true Alabama fan, my family has been running Wishbone salad dressing since 1970, typically the Thousand Island option.

Whats your favorite peice of Signing Day swag? Will Bobby Flay have a National Signing Day throwdown?

Current Mood: Excited (^_^)

Current Music: Keith Sweat

Just burped up some North Face sweatpants and now I’m gonna sit in a dark room and listen to Coldplay

Been a sad week. Sniffing bees.

After Alabama lost I cried into my pillow for days and days, until it started to stink and I realized it was the carcass of a large LSU woman I accidentally mauled.

Thankfully I have the sweet pensive pipes of Chris Martin to make me feel like I have company in the world.

YOUR MORBID FASCINATION COMPELS YOU LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!
Nebraska 25 Penn State 7
Whats worse that having 2 bad quarterbacks? Having 2 bad quarterbacks and a GODDAMN DEFCON 11 CHILD SEX ABUSE SCANDAL!!

Florida 24 South Carolina 27
Suggested Drink & Food pairing: Coors Light, Velveeta nachos, pants made of onion rings

Leprechaun in the Hood 21 Tower Heist 3

“Always Bet on Green”

Kent State 35 Akron 22
The BATTLE FOR THE WAGON WHEEL TROPHY! !

Navy 24 Southern Methodist 14
Like any self-respecting Southern Methodist I expect the Mustangs to roll out some casseroles and arm tackling (hooker murder optional)

Scarves 7 Sweat Pants 21

Vampire Burt Reynolds Says:
“I’m all sweat pants this weekend!”

Kentucky 3 Vanderbilt 7 (PICK THE OVER!!!)
This is your last pre-basketball chance to mock these teams straight up at one time… so get your shots in early!

Spaghetti used as Toothpaste 11 Milkshake used as Lube 14

Auburn 41 Georgia 53
Who has the endurance to win the Worlds Largest Outdoor Croakie Convention?

Alabama 34 Mississippi State -6

Your Hairy Handicapper, your Governor of Growl, your Insect Inspecting Eeyore is back with weekend footbawwll picks to satisfy all your gambling needs!

What do you do when making your picks?
Do you use random elements to decide on picks, like dart boards, dice, or throwing the entrails of partially eaten hikers up in the air and seeing what school logos they look like when they land? Do you have any superstitious bullshit you do, like making sure you have enough money in the bank to pay your bills? Me, I know if I’m chilling in the woods and I find a baby in a tent, I’m gonna nail that shit on Saturday, that’s why I’m saying this is your LINE EM UP™  weekend. THATS RIGHT, a FREE LINE EM UP™ WEEKEND. If you play your cards right, the kids will be going to college, your TV will be doing 3d shit, and your bookie will be a wanted man in 11 states.

South Carolina 21 at Arkansas 35
Do hog hates keep your ears warm? I’ve always wondered that in these colder months.

Beiber Baby 3 vs Tiny Kangaroo 2

THE NFL’s LOINS BURN IN DESIRE LUCK LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!!
Stanford 48 at Oregon State 24

Vampire Burt Reynolds Says:
” Grow a damn mustache kid, curly haired women with stomach-covering swimsuits will be serving you Heismans up to you on a platter in no time”

Army GRENADES at Air Force BOMBS

Vanderbilt 12 at Florida 10
Feeling Vandy this week. An little upper middle class birdy w/ some inside info told me to bet big on them.

Beiber Baby 3 vs Goro 68

Boise State 86 at UNLV 0

Kansas State 15 at Garth Brooks U 55
Kansas State is coming unravelled! Garth Brooks U is on a collision course w/ the SEC yall!!

Beiber Baby 5 vs Arkansas Hog Hat 3
Big comeback for the Beiber Baby, so it could end the weekend w/ a 2 – 1 record.

LSU 20 at Alabama 28
My bear-sense is tingling that Alabama is headed for disappointment, thanks to 2 touchdowns from the LSU punter, but I’m picking Bama cause I don’t feel like getting any shit from you guys!

BONUS Search Term Web Hit of the Week:
“greg mcelroy back tattoo”
It feels sad to send an internet surfer home without the much needed information on either a) Greg McElroy’s back tattoo or b) someone with a huge Greg McElroy montage on their back

I am the number one Ninja and I have killed all the Shoguns in front of me. – Bayou Philosopher Shaquille O’Neal (Possibly still looking for tickets)

Rock My Fucking Face Off, Game’o'the Decade!
Will the world ever be the same after Alabama and LSU clash, in this sports-genre defining moment? Post BayouBamaCore won’t have the same punch and social relevancy. The sweet riffs and melodic breakdowns that this Saturday will bring will make everything else seem lifeless and dead. I’m not sure how I’ll get up in the morning after this. I’m not sure why I’ve been getting up in the morning before this.

At Least A Comet Didnt Destroy the Earth Before This
(might be premature, but I think we’re on the home stretch now, I mean, ESPN already setting shit up)

LSU Fans will be dressed very odd.
– Do  not be fooled, they are not deities or video game characters.
– Don’t get too close
– If you are bitten, don’t panic, but you may need to be treated with several shots in your stomach and probably a few shots of jager-bombs administered by a professional [dancer]

Lets Cancel all other Fucking Games!!
I cant really figure out why other games are even played. Should just skip to this every year. Countless ACLs would be saved. Maybe even a few MCLs. Dr. James Andrews could cure cancer and shit, instead of having to dick around with athletes ligaments, dude is a genius but spends all his time moving around temporarily famous knee gristle. He could be doing something better for all of society or inventing robot boxing.

Celebrity Gameday Pick
Former LSU pitcher, and current Olympic mogul skiier Byron Wilson will play the highly anticipated “Celebrity Pickem Challenge” delivering his picks by sliding down a “Walk of Champions” in front of Bryant Denny stadium that will be temporarily covered in tons of premium frat boy blow-caine.

The College Gameday crew’s nice threads and disarming smiles obscure the seething coke-fiend thoughts that they violently wrestle with every Gameday morning.

OK just joking, actually its this passionate Burrito activist:

“I ordered the corn-dog flavored burritos with fried gator-brain toppings, you stooge!”

SHOULD THIS RIVALRY HAVE A NAME?
I mean, the Mississippi schools have the egg bowl, and I think thats the coolest, most breakfasty name of any bowls. Goes well with Tabasco sauce, or just salt and pepper, or just MORE EGGS! Arkansas and LSU even have to fight over some little boot/iron map.  Should the LSU Bama Game have its own name???

Mole Bowl – a pet mole will have to be fed and cared for by the losing team’s SGA losers
Sbarro Bowl – free Sbarro for everyone!!!
Bah Humbowl – winning team only cares about championships, doesnt give 2 shits about Christmas
Dick Bowl – yall know we are all a bunch of dicks right?
Mosquito Bowl – losing team gets 2 more weeks of mosquitos
Tower Heist Bowl –  2 teams, full of overpaid players, hijinks ensue, but everyone is grateful once its over
Cormac McCarthy Bowl –  Outside it drizzled dying clouds. 3 players dead, more still might go down. The coaches just stared. The crowd felt like a posse hungry for more blood.

COULD LSU HAVE A SECRET WEAPON???
Not sure weather to laugh or cry a hole in my guthries napkin..

So it seems LSU is considering bringing a remote control mouse onto the field. Feel sorry for this poor LSU Facebook woman who probably just “sent packing” to the bayou up in the clouds:
– Extremely worried that they have developed remote control brain technology
– How much smarter are they????
– Worried what they will do next, since they already do mad fake punts and eat grass
– How would you know if you were under remote control, maybe you think you are just chilling reading a book drinking $6 coffee but are actually on a chaotic killing spree?
– Possible remote control dinosaur coming to Bryant Denny in 2013

ALABAMA HAS A SECRET FUCKING WEAPON!!

I’m not sure what it is. I dont even really want to know. Some dents seemed to be on the wall of the ‘box’, and I could feel a sort of gravity around the thing. was tempted to kick a field goal into it but I didnt want to awake the beast, because I could feel a presence in the air, sort of chili-like in consistency. I kinda hope it’s something fucking amazing like an elephant with flat-screen TVs strapped to it, but I wouldnt put it past to Nick Saban to have something even more destructive.

It got shipped in via the bye week. I followed a trail of Diet Dr Pepper cans and found lots of heavily armed guards in real tree camouflage, but I saw their Athletic Dept parking tags, and I could hear them whisper ’Coach’ into their concealed earpieces.

Other sources say it might be a true counter to LSU’s ‘Honey Badger’, so I’m now thinking it’s probably Billy the Exterminator. A reality show icon who is an expert at man vs rodent encounters, and might not give a fuck either.

WHERES YOUR GOD NOW RODENT!!

Sad Bear Sniffing Bee is sick still:( he at a really ugly hiker that was wearing some hard-2-digest north face gear, so beeker report is here for your weekend sports pograming guide:

MEEP MEEP UPSET ALERT!!
Baylor at Oklahoma State
Can Baybay QB Bob Griffin the MEEPMEEPMEEP upset the possible championship bound cowboys and cement his Heisman thing??? (from Ocklahoma State)
PICK: Oklahoma State by 14 MEEPS (-1 T Boone PICKEN meep)
(was just kidding about upset alert ha!)

Missouri at Texas A&M
It would be fun to drive to Texas and listn to this game on a College Station radio station while drinking homemade prison hooch, is that bad???
PICK: TEXAS A&M BY 3 (+2 BONUS SEC BORTHERHOOD MEEP MEEPS FOR EVERYONE) ((maybe?))

UAB at Marshall
Why is UAB playing at a Marshalls, is the “GREY LADY” that bad now? Would prefer to watch a UAB game at a Stein Mart, or even a skating rink, that way punts would be very interesting if they hit the spinning disco ball globe and smashed it. #asbestos
PICK: UAB by 1.5 pts

Washington State at Oregon
I REALLY like Orgeon versos unranked meep meeps at home. it gives them the opportuntiy to expoeriment with different combinations of their whacky uniforms b/c I barely understand the rules in PAC 12 football anyway. Seems like a mix of ultimate frisbee and full contact parkour. Anyway I think the ducks will unveil their Duck Centipede uniforms for the Halloween Holiday (which is very popular amoung the Oregon Pagan demographic)
PICK: OREGONS by 45 MEEPS
“No Mercy for our fellow northwestern pagans on this weekend of celebration and child sacrifice!” – Chip kelly, duck coach, covered in cow blood and taking long drags out of a clove cigarette

Oklahoma at Kansas State
I can’t pick this game, my computer or internet connection is broke. Says Kansas State is undefeated so i’mma check for porn viruses.
PICK: UNSURE, RETURN LATER AFTER VIRUS SCAN

Georgia vs. Florida
The World’s largest outdoor salad bar might not have much effectiveness on the layout of SEC’s conference championship spreadsheet, but it will be very important for the future of these Fball proggies, with one staff on the verge of cardiac arrest and one staff about to be on the streets looking for jobs possibly. I think Knoshom Moreno carries the Dogs threw on this game though.
PICK: GORGIA BY 11 MEEPS

Navy at Notre Dame
The only thing more ‘phoning it in’ than Brian Kelly is the NBC football meeps this year.
PICK: NAV (-2 MEEPS for NBC when bob costace talks about WW2 and Halloween in the same word-paragraph)

Ole Miss at Auburn
The sound of Ole Miss punting is actually considered an afrodesiac among JR High kids. Not suprising considering the garbage they are listening 2 nowadyas.
PICK: AUBURN BY 7 MEEPS

Clemson at Georgia Tech
Computer still being weird, says Clemson undefeated and Georgia Tech has a big Johnson. Dang porn has fucke dup my Compaq.

Stanford at USC
Will ANDREWS LUCK RUN OUT?! Will ANDREW LUCK OUT with a sweet ass game?! Have huge boner waiting on Sunday Morning Sports Page Puns!
PICK: ANDREW LUCK by 14  MEEPS + two Half MEEPS

Why Even Fucking Prepare for this Game???
Alabama has already been awarded the Heisman Trophy, the Nobel Prize in ass-kicking physics, the Palm D’Or,a Purple Heart, Outland Trophy, Outback Baked Potato, Hungryman Dinner, the Oaken Boot, the Wooden Leg, the Platinum Ligament and the Butkus Turkey Leg.

(OK, maybe thats just an artist representation of the Butkus Turkey leg, they are so delicious they dont last long)

Fucking Ding Dong Dooley
Derek Dooley, doing all he does to dissavow the derpage of the dastardly dickface that preceded him, has decreed that his snack of choice will be Ding Dongs.

(Now with extra Dong)

The creamy filling. The tendency to wither and melt in heat. The propability you will find them stale if purchased in a gas station. This would be the perfect snack food for at least this phase of the Dooley era. If only the ding dongs could call weird ass time outs and have too many men on the field. Anyway, why don’t we stop for this multi-camera light hearted musical interlude regarding former UT coach Lane Kiffin. Enjoy, and then punch yourself in the dick and/or nearby child’s dick.

At his weekly press conference, the Saban indicated an ‘extreme lacking of shit-charity’

Thats right old lady, he doesn’t. Not even remotely concerned about your dialysis machine or your breathing tube or mushed up carrots. Nick Saban is all about business, and business is talking about games. Games, now that’s some serious shit.

Nick Saban wants to talk about the game, but then he goes on to talk about cyberpunk pontoon boats he’s cruising around in during 2045, and psychedelic ‘lakes’ that he envisions while ‘dialing up blitz schemes’ and thinking of creative ways to piss off Dre Kirkpatrick.

But first Nick Saban goes on to talk about French, and how you should pardon his? How much time did he spend down in Baton Rouge? Is this a subtle hint that he plants to toss the game to the dreaded LSU bengal cats, with their ‘honey badger’ of a cornerback who is home sitting on a couch huffing ‘grape flavored incense (not for human consumption)‘.

What could his French reference mean???

Maybe Saban is saying he eats snails:

Hear they are delicious, but I cant bring myself to allow molluscs into my red meat only diet.

Maybe the coach wants us to excuse his French because he is about to slam a plate of Foie gras on the podium and slurp that shit up! Dont they make that by tying down a baby bird and drowning it in steak sauce? Sounds like just the sort of fucking thing Saban would eat.

Saturday Alabama plays the hated UT-Knoxvillains, what do these nice little dogs think about the game???

Taco: my sources now say Clay Travis is writing a book on the best chalupas of the SEC

Jellybean: Fuck those snitches! Jellybean don’t play!

Millie Wigs: This is the face I’m gonna make droppin a #2 on the windsheild wipers of that traitor athletic director’s sweet new Benz.

Justin: I like the simple things. Sniffing green grass. Rolling in filth. Wondering if an Alabama kickoff is gonna stay in bounds.

Diego: Every 3rd Saturday in October I sorta feel bad for giving the B1G so much shit about their bad math.

Halo: It seems so long since multiple Volunteers were arrested, is that progress or are they suffering from lack of teamwork and ambition?

PB: What’s Tennesseeish for leave me the fuck alone in the tub?

Jack and Ginger: Ginger went to town on some Cherry Garcia so I don’t think we’re gonna make it to the game, at least that crotch-sniffer Craig James isn’t calling it.. Right??

Tadpole: I read on some Tennessee blog that Dr. James Andrews wouldn’t stop licking his balls long enough to operate on Smokey’s ACL. Poor puppy

Timmy: It puts the lotion on the fiddle! IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE FIDDLE!