Hologram Bear Bryant, in the form of a digital, gravelly voiced phantasm, made a special appearance at A-Day, coaching the White team to a brilliant 24 – 15 win on Saturday. He then wowed a crowd of thousands later that night by sharing the stage with none other than Snoop Dogg himself, performing his new single “My Wishbone Won’t be Denied”.

This was a really special moment, me and the fam really had no idea what was going on at first, our programs didnt mention this at all! The music started and lo and behold our favorite old coach in his baller-ass cap was up there rapping! His rhyming was smooth, and his Arkansas drawl filled the air with his lyrical gravy. The one bummer thing was that by the time me and the kids waddled over to the stage, the set was over.

Between the tornado last Spring and the Alabama fan putting his balls on the unconscious guys head, the Alabama nation needs all the positive vibes we can get, and Hologram Bear Bryant totally delivered. I will definitely be buying his album on iTunes!

(Ex-) Arkansas Coach Bobby Petrino, clad in a sweet looking Davey Crockett jacket and a long Wyatt Earp style grits-grabber mustache, quit his job as Arkansas Razorback head coach in legendary fashion Tuesday night, in front of a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant.

Petrino delivered a teary, emotional, profanity-laden speech in front of a Buffalo Wild Wings while an assistant revved up his new custom chopper. He started out with choice words for the Athletic Director’s sexual orientation, the Athletic Director’s preferred sexual positioning, the Athletic Director’s pug-like face, the Athletic Director’s ‘Greasy Granny’, and even called into account the structural integrity of  aforementioned grandparent’s undergarments.

He then lashed out at the local media, Fayetteville hair-cutting establishments, his neighborhood’s trash pick up days, and even the local sports bar trivia scene:

“These joker’s around here think Delta Burke was in Golden Girls, I need to move to a place that takes their bar trivia more seriously” – Former Arkansas Coach Bobby Petrino

Petrino then hopped on his chopper, tossed a wadded handful of hundred dollar bills into the air, and sped off in a trail of smoke.

Happy trails, Bob, we’ll never forget your entrance to last year’s SEC Media Days.

Just a quick PSA and an excuse to post a Jesus Quintana picture, Tuscaloosa Abides next weekend.

Running back Trent Richardson opened many eyes today, regressing into his dangerous Florida Panhandlian ways during the Alabama Pro Day. He apparently knocked some dude down as people with foam shields attempted to contain his is reign of cartoonish violence. One of the dangers of declaring early for the draft, missing out on the senior level class Do Not Knock Down or Otherwise Assault Potential Employers.

One of the people he assaulted today was a “Scout”, probably working on his field turf badge, Trent may have also bludgeoned a Webelo and set fire to 11 boxes of Do-si-dos. The guy in the picture looks kind of old to be a scout. Didn’t know they welcomed non-traditional scouts, assume he wanted to get in touch with nature and maybe learn the art of leather-working.

Mr. Richardson was preparing for his (now ruined) pro career by attending this Pro Day. It’s like a job fair, but instead of handing you coffee cups and business cards, they make you do a 3-cone drill. Instead of tricking you to apply for some shitty telemarketing sales job, they trick you to play pro football in Buffalo or some fucking cold ass place like that. Players in Buffalo are known to be frozen solid by midseason, and don’t even thaw out until the next year’s training camp.

Top-level NFL Mentalist Roger Goodell has already weighed in:
“If padded shield things cannot protect us from our running backs, then what can? To make sure this league stays as safe as possible for me and my bros, we have decided that T-Money can’t play in the NFL. He should probably be crushing terrorism, or lifting Chryslers off of elderly people. Sorry T [chest thump peace sign], I’m out”

Already taken off work for National Signing Day, ready to spend a day with my family, curled up next to the fire, huffing VCR cleaner, and watching athletic young high school men put on hats. If you squint your ears and listen hard, you can even here High School Audio Visual departments from around the nation creaking under the pressure of these hat choosings.

Might even buy a shitload of Guthries chicken finger boxes. I’ll eat the chicken fingers, use the crinkle cut fries to clean up the oilspill that’s slowly taking over my garage, and then I’ll take a nap in a pile of Texas toast and dream of 5-stars flipping from USC to Team Edward.

That’s why this National Signing Day Bamboo Salad Bowl set is so fucking sweet…

It comes with a fax machine, Guthrie’s chicken fingers and a wad of cash. The fax machine actually just hooks up to an ESPNU feed that purrs like a real fax machine, so you can pretend that you are actually in an athletic department, and you can even pretend that you don’t have a boner every time the thing starts to warm up.

I also can’t wait to have some company over and show them these rustic hand crafted salad bowls. Might even buy some of that Annies organic salad dressing I always see at the grocery store, they even have one made with bukkake mushrooms. OK, who am I kidding, as a true Alabama fan, my family has been running Wishbone salad dressing since 1970, typically the Thousand Island option.

Whats your favorite peice of Signing Day swag? Will Bobby Flay have a National Signing Day throwdown?

Current Mood: Excited (^_^)

Current Music: Keith Sweat

Just burped up some North Face sweatpants and now I’m gonna sit in a dark room and listen to Coldplay

Been a sad week. Sniffing bees.

After Alabama lost I cried into my pillow for days and days, until it started to stink and I realized it was the carcass of a large LSU woman I accidentally mauled.

Thankfully I have the sweet pensive pipes of Chris Martin to make me feel like I have company in the world.

YOUR MORBID FASCINATION COMPELS YOU LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!
Nebraska 25 Penn State 7
Whats worse that having 2 bad quarterbacks? Having 2 bad quarterbacks and a GODDAMN DEFCON 11 CHILD SEX ABUSE SCANDAL!!

Florida 24 South Carolina 27
Suggested Drink & Food pairing: Coors Light, Velveeta nachos, pants made of onion rings

Leprechaun in the Hood 21 Tower Heist 3

“Always Bet on Green”

Kent State 35 Akron 22
The BATTLE FOR THE WAGON WHEEL TROPHY! !

Navy 24 Southern Methodist 14
Like any self-respecting Southern Methodist I expect the Mustangs to roll out some casseroles and arm tackling (hooker murder optional)

Scarves 7 Sweat Pants 21

Vampire Burt Reynolds Says:
“I’m all sweat pants this weekend!”

Kentucky 3 Vanderbilt 7 (PICK THE OVER!!!)
This is your last pre-basketball chance to mock these teams straight up at one time… so get your shots in early!

Spaghetti used as Toothpaste 11 Milkshake used as Lube 14

Auburn 41 Georgia 53
Who has the endurance to win the Worlds Largest Outdoor Croakie Convention?

Alabama 34 Mississippi State -6

Your Hairy Handicapper, your Governor of Growl, your Insect Inspecting Eeyore is back with weekend footbawwll picks to satisfy all your gambling needs!

What do you do when making your picks?
Do you use random elements to decide on picks, like dart boards, dice, or throwing the entrails of partially eaten hikers up in the air and seeing what school logos they look like when they land? Do you have any superstitious bullshit you do, like making sure you have enough money in the bank to pay your bills? Me, I know if I’m chilling in the woods and I find a baby in a tent, I’m gonna nail that shit on Saturday, that’s why I’m saying this is your LINE EM UP™  weekend. THATS RIGHT, a FREE LINE EM UP™ WEEKEND. If you play your cards right, the kids will be going to college, your TV will be doing 3d shit, and your bookie will be a wanted man in 11 states.

South Carolina 21 at Arkansas 35
Do hog hates keep your ears warm? I’ve always wondered that in these colder months.

Beiber Baby 3 vs Tiny Kangaroo 2

THE NFL’s LOINS BURN IN DESIRE LUCK LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!!
Stanford 48 at Oregon State 24

Vampire Burt Reynolds Says:
” Grow a damn mustache kid, curly haired women with stomach-covering swimsuits will be serving you Heismans up to you on a platter in no time”

Army GRENADES at Air Force BOMBS

Vanderbilt 12 at Florida 10
Feeling Vandy this week. An little upper middle class birdy w/ some inside info told me to bet big on them.

Beiber Baby 3 vs Goro 68

Boise State 86 at UNLV 0

Kansas State 15 at Garth Brooks U 55
Kansas State is coming unravelled! Garth Brooks U is on a collision course w/ the SEC yall!!

Beiber Baby 5 vs Arkansas Hog Hat 3
Big comeback for the Beiber Baby, so it could end the weekend w/ a 2 – 1 record.

LSU 20 at Alabama 28
My bear-sense is tingling that Alabama is headed for disappointment, thanks to 2 touchdowns from the LSU punter, but I’m picking Bama cause I don’t feel like getting any shit from you guys!

BONUS Search Term Web Hit of the Week:
“greg mcelroy back tattoo”
It feels sad to send an internet surfer home without the much needed information on either a) Greg McElroy’s back tattoo or b) someone with a huge Greg McElroy montage on their back

I am the number one Ninja and I have killed all the Shoguns in front of me. – Bayou Philosopher Shaquille O’Neal (Possibly still looking for tickets)

Rock My Fucking Face Off, Game’o'the Decade!
Will the world ever be the same after Alabama and LSU clash, in this sports-genre defining moment? Post BayouBamaCore won’t have the same punch and social relevancy. The sweet riffs and melodic breakdowns that this Saturday will bring will make everything else seem lifeless and dead. I’m not sure how I’ll get up in the morning after this. I’m not sure why I’ve been getting up in the morning before this.

At Least A Comet Didnt Destroy the Earth Before This
(might be premature, but I think we’re on the home stretch now, I mean, ESPN already setting shit up)

LSU Fans will be dressed very odd.
– Do  not be fooled, they are not deities or video game characters.
– Don’t get too close
– If you are bitten, don’t panic, but you may need to be treated with several shots in your stomach and probably a few shots of jager-bombs administered by a professional [dancer]

Lets Cancel all other Fucking Games!!
I cant really figure out why other games are even played. Should just skip to this every year. Countless ACLs would be saved. Maybe even a few MCLs. Dr. James Andrews could cure cancer and shit, instead of having to dick around with athletes ligaments, dude is a genius but spends all his time moving around temporarily famous knee gristle. He could be doing something better for all of society or inventing robot boxing.

Celebrity Gameday Pick
Former LSU pitcher, and current Olympic mogul skiier Byron Wilson will play the highly anticipated “Celebrity Pickem Challenge” delivering his picks by sliding down a “Walk of Champions” in front of Bryant Denny stadium that will be temporarily covered in tons of premium frat boy blow-caine.

The College Gameday crew’s nice threads and disarming smiles obscure the seething coke-fiend thoughts that they violently wrestle with every Gameday morning.

OK just joking, actually its this passionate Burrito activist:

“I ordered the corn-dog flavored burritos with fried gator-brain toppings, you stooge!”

SHOULD THIS RIVALRY HAVE A NAME?
I mean, the Mississippi schools have the egg bowl, and I think thats the coolest, most breakfasty name of any bowls. Goes well with Tabasco sauce, or just salt and pepper, or just MORE EGGS! Arkansas and LSU even have to fight over some little boot/iron map.  Should the LSU Bama Game have its own name???

Mole Bowl – a pet mole will have to be fed and cared for by the losing team’s SGA losers
Sbarro Bowl – free Sbarro for everyone!!!
Bah Humbowl – winning team only cares about championships, doesnt give 2 shits about Christmas
Dick Bowl – yall know we are all a bunch of dicks right?
Mosquito Bowl – losing team gets 2 more weeks of mosquitos
Tower Heist Bowl –  2 teams, full of overpaid players, hijinks ensue, but everyone is grateful once its over
Cormac McCarthy Bowl –  Outside it drizzled dying clouds. 3 players dead, more still might go down. The coaches just stared. The crowd felt like a posse hungry for more blood.

COULD LSU HAVE A SECRET WEAPON???
Not sure weather to laugh or cry a hole in my guthries napkin..

So it seems LSU is considering bringing a remote control mouse onto the field. Feel sorry for this poor LSU Facebook woman who probably just “sent packing” to the bayou up in the clouds:
– Extremely worried that they have developed remote control brain technology
– How much smarter are they????
– Worried what they will do next, since they already do mad fake punts and eat grass
– How would you know if you were under remote control, maybe you think you are just chilling reading a book drinking $6 coffee but are actually on a chaotic killing spree?
– Possible remote control dinosaur coming to Bryant Denny in 2013

ALABAMA HAS A SECRET FUCKING WEAPON!!

I’m not sure what it is. I dont even really want to know. Some dents seemed to be on the wall of the ‘box’, and I could feel a sort of gravity around the thing. was tempted to kick a field goal into it but I didnt want to awake the beast, because I could feel a presence in the air, sort of chili-like in consistency. I kinda hope it’s something fucking amazing like an elephant with flat-screen TVs strapped to it, but I wouldnt put it past to Nick Saban to have something even more destructive.

It got shipped in via the bye week. I followed a trail of Diet Dr Pepper cans and found lots of heavily armed guards in real tree camouflage, but I saw their Athletic Dept parking tags, and I could hear them whisper ’Coach’ into their concealed earpieces.

Other sources say it might be a true counter to LSU’s ‘Honey Badger’, so I’m now thinking it’s probably Billy the Exterminator. A reality show icon who is an expert at man vs rodent encounters, and might not give a fuck either.

WHERES YOUR GOD NOW RODENT!!